The Red Scare

Series 4 Recap: It's Lord Votto to you, peasant

2009-04-23T16:32:00.006-06:00

Series
Reds 2, Cubs 1 (okay, seriously, what the hell is going on?)

Overall
Reds 9-6
Cubs 8-6

Rundown
4/21--Cubs 7, Reds 2
4/22--Reds 3, Cubs 0
4/23--Reds 7, Cubs 1

The End of This Novel
"So do you wanna go out tomorrow night?" she asked nervously.
"Not tomorrow," he said. "I gotta baseball game."
"What about the next night?"
"Game," he said. "Look, I've just got thing baseball thing going on. Ask me in November."
"Oh, okay," she said, eyes misty.
Votto opened the car door and walked out of the drive-in theater. He continued out to the road and stuck up his thumb. Time to go home, he thought.

Fortune Cookie
The cat and the Bartman; a sign of good things to come.

Completely Unrelated Baseball Quote of the Series
"This is a game to be savored, not gulped. There's time to discuss everything between pitches or between innings." ~Bill Veeck

Reds.comment of the Series
"Big deal you bunch of weak hitting nancies. Two games don't make a season. Dusty Baker's an idiot and he will ruin your team. Come June you'll be in last place. hahahahahahaha."

New Drinking Game
Every time Joey Votto seems to prematurely pull his foot off the bag before the out is made.

What I Saw, Heard, Felt, Smelled, Tasted
Cubs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Fun to hear Chicago fans booing their own, all because of us! Joey Votto means everything to this city right now. I'm glad we beat Carlos Zambrano. If there is one man I hate in baseball, it is Carlos Zambrano. All those slumpers seem to be waking up (Bruce, Phillips, Hernandez, Gonzalez). Edwin is still sleeping.

Metaphorical Image of the Series

Game 14: I honestly thought I'd last longer than this

2009-04-22T21:07:00.002-06:00

Reds 3, Cubs 0

Johnny, Jay and Joey were as advertised tonight.

I'm going to stop doing game recaps from here on out. I'm only one man. So, only look for SERIES RECAPS!!! and the spot observation post. Please keep reading. That means you mom and dad, and a few relatives.

Game 13: Brandon Phillips might never get a hit again

2009-04-21T22:59:00.008-06:00

It's not a snake, dumbass

Cubs 7, Reds 2

*I couldn't catch most of the game tonight. I worked late at the information desk of a library in Idaho (there has to be a joke in there somewhere) so my good friend Drew aka DBeezy back in the Eastern Time Zone pitched in and took game notes for me. I've mashed our comments together to create one fantastic coast-to-coast superpost.

Micah Owings: 4.2 IP, 5 H, 2 ER, 4 BB, 3 K. It would have helped if Micah wasn't abandoned by the defense (Dickerson, Encarnacion). Pitching at Wrigley against the Cubs in limb-numbing temps never helps either. At the plate, Babe Ru...Micah struck out twice.

Jay Bruce: Laser-pulled his second home run of the year in the blink of an eye and later drove in the only other Reds run with a single. That hand must be feeling better. Sh-sha.

Joey Votto: Yeah stolen base...even though you were clearly tagged out. We must have brought the umpires from the Houston series along.

Cleanup Hitters: Micah Hoffpauir and Brandon Phillips batted cleanup for the Cubs and Reds respectively. Are these the worst two cleanup hitters in baseball? The name Hoffpauir will never look right and BP is batting .158. Just as I was getting ready to ask myself "Who the hell is Micah Hoffpauir?" he smacked a solo home run over the bleachers and out of the park. Our cleanup guy went 0-4 again.

The Reds Text Poll: ...in the 2nd inning asked viewers if the Cubs (with ownership changing) should keep Wrigley or build a new stadium a la the new parks in the Big Apple. The new stadium was voted down at a 2-1 clip. I wonder if the voters changed their mind when one of the hundred stray cats that makes its home somewhere at Wrigley ran onto the field in the top of the 4th. Play was stopped so a Cubs employee could grab the cat, have the cat claw its way free, then pick up the cat by its tail and throw it into the stands. One fan hoping for a foul ball got a spotted cat instead.

The Groundskeeper: If you are ever unlucky enough to be in this situation, here is a picture of how not to catch a cat.

Jared Burton: Appears to have been relegated to garbage-time status for the moment. Entered the game with the Reds down five and pitched two semi-encouraging innings. Hey, someone's gotta do it, although, Jared is looking more and more like an actual garbage man with that awesome chin strap beard he's working on.

Mike Lincoln: ...is turning into quite the marksman. Plunked two batters in two-thirds of an inning. I think we all know what comes next...everybody say it together with your hand on your hip and shaking your head...ready...here we go, "Mike, were you high again?"

Quote of the Game: Chris Welsh made three alcoholic references in the first three innings before Grande called him out.

Chris Welsh Word of the Game: murderize (spelled murderise in Commonwealth countries) --pronounced: mur-dur-eyes
--used in a sentence: "Aramis Ramirez just murderized Daniel Ray Herrera's offering."
--origin: Windy City, early 21st century

When your pitchers yield seven walks and hit two batters and your offense musters only six hits, chances are you're not going to win, although I could have given you an idea of the outcome when I saw Harden v. Owings as the probables. We really need to air the bats out on Ted Lilly tomorrow--get a little Lillification going on--you know what I'm talkin' about.

SERIES 4 RECAP!!!

2009-04-20T22:10:00.008-06:00

Series

Reds 3, Astros 1 (I drink your milkshake!)

Overall

Reds 7-5

Astros 4-9 (sad trombone)

Rundown

4/17--Reds 2, Astros 1

4/18--Astros 7, Reds 0

4/19--Reds 4, Astros 2

4/20--Reds 4, Astros 3

The end of this novel

How ironic it all seemed. The offense had gone. The fundamentals had gone. The pitching, erratic and unpredictable. Of course he didn't tag Pence. It wasn't even close! All these things, and they were still winning! Twas baseball but an irony, Phillips thought, icing his knees and dreaming of making solid contact with a breaking ball.

Fortune Cookie

Walk thy opposing pitcher and shun thee. Walk an Owings and bow down.

Completely Unrelated Baseball Quote of the Series

"England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example." ~Robert Benchley

Reds.comment of the Series

"Dusty Baker couldn't manage a T-ball team. And who the heck said Gonzalaz is a major league player? My 12 year old hits better than he does. Traveras looks just like Patterson of last year. At least come June we won't be fighting the pirates for last place we will have it all alone."

New Drinking Game

This one is will get you spinning quick. Every time Phillips checks his swing.

What I saw, heard, tasted, felt, smelled

Minute Maid Park is a combination of a little league field and Wonkaland. In the first three games of the series, we were unable to score a run off a Houston starting pitcher. Somehow, we won 2 of those games. I think every Reds starting pitcher for the exception of Harang made strides this series (and although Harang got touched up a bit, it was nice to see him lose his shit in the dugout and go nuts on the Gatorade cooler and the bat rack). For as terrible as we are hitting, to be 7-5 is a rather remarkable achievement.

Metaphorical Image of the Series

Game 12: I now know that Mike Hampton has been on the DL 12 times

2009-04-20T21:08:00.003-06:00

Reds 4, Astros 3

Bronson Arroyo: 7 IP, 9 H, 3 ER, 2 K, 0 BB. Bronson only needed 81 pitches (53 strikes) to get through seven innings against the Astros (Johnny, Edinson, are you listening?). He kept hitters off balance with his bloopy junk (compliment) and challenged them to put it in play. Bronson is now 3-0 on the young season. Much thanks to Mr. Votto for this one. Bronson also laid down two sac bunts and made a fantastic shoelace reaction grab on a burner up the middle to start a sexy DP. My only gripe--when Bronson gets coasting, he falls asleep and starts grooving pitches. Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee took advantage of this tonight.

Joey Votto: Attention Brandon Phillips, Alex Gonzalez and Ramon Hernandez. Because all of you are excellent at getting down 0-2 in the blink of an eye, maybe you should study the two-strike Votto approach. Shorten your swing and expand your strike zone. Votto shot a two-strike pitch on the outside corner into left field for a single in the first inning, and later, in the seventh with a two-strike count, missed a grand slam by about three feet, settling instead for a go-ahead 2-run double.

Quote of the Game: Is George Grande the president of the Mike Hampton fan club, because I think I listened to Hampton-blabber for about two-thirds of the broadcast. George only mentioned that Hampton had been on the DL 12 times in his career about every other pitch. And that only got Chris Welsh all horny for some Hampton.

Grande on Geoff Blum: "One of the more valuable players on this Astros roster, and one of the more underrated in the league." Geoff is a career .251 hitter with a .699 OPS. Oh right, he plays good defense. (insert scoff)

Willy Taveras: 2-5. 2 runs. Willy should have 30 stolen bases by now, not 3.

Edwin Encarnacion: Admit it, he's looked real solid at third this year. 2-4 today with a couple huge RBIs on a first inning single to get us off and running.

Darnell McDonald: What a catch at the wall in right. And a hit. And a walk. Yeah for you!

Brandon "Old Man" Phillips: 0 for his last 20-something. As observed by a commenter on Redszone, why does it take him 5 seconds to complete a swing? He seems unable (or unwilling) to make adjustments. He applied another "phantom tag" to a stealing Pudge Rodriguez off a great Hanigan throw. I'm not sure what was funnier, another phantom tag by Phillips, or Pudge trying to steal.

Ryan Hanigan: Every time I watch him play, Ramon Hernandez becomes more expendable (at least more platoonable).

Paul "Silent J" Janish: Every time I watch him play, Alex Gonzalez becomes more expendable (much, much more platoonable).

Bad cameraman, bad!: When Hunter Pence hit a towering fly to left field, my intial reaction was, "I can't believe he's going to be rewarded with a home run for that weak shit at Minute Maid Park, where the left field home run porch seemingly sits about 250 feet out." The cameraman aimed his device on the home run porch and waited for a cluster of fans to rise and grasp the air, but the moment never came. By the time the cameraman found the ball, Jerry Hairston was running towards the infield and had flipped it into the stands.

Miguel Tejada: What is he now, 27?

Chris Dickerson: 12-pitch pinch hit walk in the eighth. Yes sir.

Jerry "I run into walls for no good reason" Hairston Jr.: Ran into the home run porch wall for no damn reason other than he loves getting hurt. My girlfriend, who does not watch baseball, remarked, "It [the ball] wasn't anywhere near where he jumped." I had no logical explanation.

Arthur Rhodes: I did not like that he worked the bases full, but it was all worth it for that last pitch. The best pitch of Arthur's career (...that I've seen, and I've only seen about .00000004% of them).

A solid outing from a Reds starter, tight defense, a couple clutch hits, and there you have it. It's Cubby-crushin' time.

Game 11: Micah Owings makes entire lineup feel futile

2009-04-19T13:14:00.005-06:00

Reds 4, Astros 2

Edinson Volquez: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 K. Edinson Volquez is not being true to himself. He is not trusting his fastball. He's pitching backwards, leading with the offspeed stuff. He seems timid to challenge. When he misses the plate, HE MISSES THE PLATE--not even close. And yet, he somehow pitched his way out of every jam (there were a lot of them).

Willy Taveras: 1-2, BB, HBP. On base 3 of 4 times. It's too bad we don't know how to bring him around. I have no idea why he didn't take second in the top of the fifth with two outs, down one run. Dickerson took a couple pitches and grounded out to second to end the inning. I'm starting to think that Willy doesn't have the green light. I'm also starting to think that Willy should have the green light. Also, Willy made a spectacular, and I'll say it again, spectacular diving catch in left center to rob Bourn of extra bases. Truly a full-extension Superman grab.

Joey Votto: Up until today, he has looked solid defensively. Today was different. On the second play of the game he fielded a soft grounder and underhanded it behind a running/covering Volquez who, preoccupied with finding first base with his foot, reached back and just missed the ball off the edge of his glove. Both Marty and Brantley lambasted Edinson for poor fundamentals, but trust me, the throw was much worse. It was three days behind him and would have taken a contorted miracle. Edinson was charged with the error but I'm sure Joey would have gladly taken it. Also, in the bottom of the seventh, Votto bobbled a routine grounder near the bag. Arthur Rhodes, didn't cover the bag assuming Votto would cleanly make the play and scamper four steps to the bag. Once Votto picked up the ball after the bobble, the race was on for the bag, three players converging. Votto flipped it at the last moment to Rhodes to no avail. It just looked bad for both of them. Throw an 0-4 day on top of that with a bases loaded, 3-0 count double play groundout and Joey is probably anxious to get back out there tomorrow. Winning does soothe the pain though.

Quotes of the Game: Marty and Jeff bantering about exercise. Marty says, "I got two-and-a-half miles of walking in this morning before you even fluttered your eyes." Says Brantley, "I don't doubt that."

Jeff Brantley on Aflac trivia questions. "I think they're all conspiracies if you ask me. Trickvia, not trivia."

Marty on the Reds offense, or lack thereof, after Phillips grounds into a DP to end the first inning. "This club can simply not generate any offense, and they're getting killed by the number four spot in the order."

Brandon Phillips: What Marty said.

Pinch hitters: Jerry Hairston pinch hits in the seventh for Laynce Nix--he walks. Three batters later, Micah Owings pinch hits for Volquez and gives the Reds the lead with a 2-run double off the left center wall. Darnell McDonald pinch hits for Stormy Weathers in the ninth and smokes a 1-out triple to right center and scores on a Willy sacrifice to center. Our pinch hitters are now 7-14 on the season.

Micah Owings: Yes.

Reds pitchers: Don't they love to get people on base before they start trying. It's like they need the added pressure to step up.

Lance Berkman: The man who would lead the balloting in the Reds Killer Hall of Fame almost decapitated Carlos Lee in the on-deck circle after letting go of his bat in the backswing. The bat flew past Lee's head and he dropped to the ground and shook the stadium. From the batter's box, Berkman exchanged an embarrassing smile with the bottomed Lee.

Bitterness: With one out and the bases chucked with Astros in the fifth, Geoff Blum grounded to Brandon Phillips at second who daftly tagged out Hunter Pence running to second, and in the same motion, fired the ball to first to nail Blum by a step. Inning over. Replays indicated that Phillips missed the tag on Pence by about two feet, with the umpire shielded by Pence. At the time, The Astros were up 1-0 and the Astros announcer was adament about not letting bad calls affect a team. Paraphrasing--"They're just part of the game. You have to move on and forget about them." Well, after the Reds usurped the lead in the seventh, that same announcer only mentioned the botched call, which he dubbed "the phantom double play" about ten times up until the final out.

Laynce Nix: Put two good swings on the ball today with Jay Bruce still out with a minor hand boo-boo.

The Truth: I realize that good teams find a way to win ugly games, and these last few have certainly been that, but I get the sensation that if we play like this against the Cards and Cubbies we are going to get our asses kicked. Looking at the box scores, I am astonished that we are 6-5.

Game 10: Is there a worse feeling than getting 2-hit by the Astros?

2009-04-19T10:07:00.004-06:00

Astros 7, Reds 0

Aaron Harang: 6 IP, 10 H, 5 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, a jar of gypsy tears. His control was modestly good but the Astros just bopped him around the park. There were no homers which is a welcoming sign to Harang, who led the league in gopher balls surrendered last year. It was one of those games where the ball magically found the hole after being put in play, every time.

The Reds offense: 2 hits--Jerry Jr. and Joey. 3 walks--Edwin, Brandon and Ramon. That's all she wrote.

Jared Burton: 1 IP, 2 ER. At least he isn't Chien-Ming Wang or Anthony Claggett of the Yankees. They let Cleveland get 14 runs in one inning yesterday, a major league record. No, I am not kidding. This is a fun box score. You have to feel sorry for the Indians who didn't get in yesterday.

This one doesn't deserve a game wrap. The Astros cheated all game.

Game 9: Ramon Hernandez officially becomes a Red

2009-04-18T01:32:00.007-06:00

Reds 2, Astros 1

Johnny Cueto: 4.2 IP, 2 H, 1 ER, 3 K. Wow, that's a solid line, but why only 4.2 innings pitched? Oh wait, I forgot to mention the 6 walks. Why are our Dominicans not throwing strikes? Johnny threw 46 strikes in 88 pitches tonight. Granted, umpire Joe West has a strike zone the size of an apricot, but when you are walking Roy Oswalt something needs fixin'.

Ramon Hernandez: I don't think anybody saw this one coming, but then again, when you're playing at the shoebox that is Minute Maid Park, anything can happen. A go-ahead homer in the top of the ninth to give the Reds a win. That's what I'm talkin' about boy. On the pitch before the homer, Ramon got pissed at a called strike off the outside corner of the plate. He exchanged some words with Joe West, probably something like, "Are you out of you're f**king mind. You haven't called that pitch the entire game," to which West probably responded, "I don't care, I'm drunk." Anyway, I knew Hernandez was going to take his aggression out on the next pitch, and just as I suspected, he sat on a fastball and deposited it just over the right field fence (I mean, that thing snuck over the wall).

Willy Taveras: 0-3 and a walk, but on the three outs he made he was out by a combined total of 1.5 steps. He was robbed on one hit up the middle by Roy Oswalt, who deflected the ball of his arse to third basement Geoff Blum, who promptly fired to first to get Willy. He was also gunned down going first to third on a seeing-eye Votto single to Pence in right field. Thing is though, he was safe. The ump butchered the call--a classic case of the ball beating the runner and the runner avoiding the tag. Willy also made a beautiful over-the-shoulder catch in center at about 395 ft.

Alex Gonzalez: Why does he swing so hard? He has a bad case of Phillips Syndrome. He thinks he's a power hitter. Alex dove and knocked down a ball at short but didn't pick it cleanly, and after an acrobatic throw from his back, the runner was safe by about three steps. It was a very good effort. When the camera cut back to Alex, he was cussing at his glove and definitely said, "Fuck you, you piece of shit." I'd say Alex needs to visit a hookah bar.

Johnny Cueto, sloppy bastard: After Johnny was yanked and he trotted back to the dugout, he let a huge wad of gum fall out of his mouth. He didn't spit it out. He didn't blow it out. He just kind of let it fall out. And if that wasn't enough, the young lad then bucked the wad up into the air with his glove. Richard Pole needs to teach this young man some manners.

The bullpen: 4.1 IP, 2 H (both off Cordero), 1 BB. Stellar.

Chris Dickerson: Quiet game for him, but you have to love how this kid doesn't take anything for granted. He grounded out to first twice and made Lance Berkman sprint to the base to get the out. 110% mentality.

Quote of the Game: I was forced by mlb.tv to listen to the Astros broadcast. There is nothing funny or backwards to report. They were really professional and accurate. How disappointing is that?

Roy Oswalt: They referred to him as "The Wizard" all game. Was I the only one who wasn't aware of this? The Wizard of "Os". The lamest nickname in baseball. Although, any nickname for Roy Oswalt would probably be the lamest. The guy just has an inescapable lameness factor.

This was a tough game for me to watch. As much as I hate to admit it, Roy Oswalt is on my fantasy baseball team and at certain points in the game I just wasn't sure who to root for. In the end Roy didn't get me a win, but you know what--the Reds did and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm glad that Ramon contributed directly. He needed that.

SERIES 3 RECAP!!!

2009-04-15T22:20:00.006-06:00

Series
Reds 2-1 (woot, woot)

Overall
Reds 4-4
Brewers 3-6

Rundown
4/13--Reds 7, Brewers 6
4/14--Reds 3, Brewers 1
4/15--Brewers 9, Reds 3 (Brewers cheated)

The end of this novel...
Cameron bent down and grabbed Burton by the collar and pulled him close. "I'll be taking that broomstick," he said, and laughed then flew away. If the series has been won, Burton thought, why do things not seem right? He would have to sleep on it.

Fortune Cookie
The first step to better times is to not give up 4 runs in 1 inning.

Completely Unrelated Baseball Quote of the Series
"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona." ~George F. Will

New Drinking Game
When Thom Brennaman mentions a GCL school. Take two for St. Xavier.

What I saw, heard, felt, smelled, tasted?
Miller Park is one of my least favorite parks in history. I can't really explain it. I just see baseball being played there and I feel sorry for everyone involved. The Brewers jerseys too. Can't stand the colors; they make me feel sad for some reason. Milwaukee is just a sad place all around I suppose.

Metaphorical Image of the Series

Game 8: Mike Cameron steals our lunch money, and our sweep

2009-04-15T21:06:00.004-06:00

Brewers 9, Reds 3

Micah Owings: 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 2 BB, 2 K. A really unimpressive start for the Spring Training winner of the coveted fifth starter spot. People are expecting a solid contribution from Owings this year, and from the fifth spot in general. It's not that he looked terrible. He just didn't look very good. His fastball clocked in around 90 but on TV it looked like it was coming in at about 78 with zero movement. He threw only 47 strikes in 89 pitches--gross. He did however provide for the most humorous moment in the game while he was batting. On his strikeout swing, he let go of his bat and it sailed about ten rows deep. The cameras panned into the crowd as the inning ended and showed three fans, each with a grip of death on the bat. One fan let go, leaving two to fight it out. Neither let go. They exchanged words. There was much frowning and head shaking. And finally, one let go with a sharp push to the bat as if to say, "fine, take it ya jerk." Cut to commercial. That about sums up Milwaukee to me.

Willy Taveras: On base 3 of 4 times. 2 singles and got plunked. Scored on Dickerson's homer. Has a .462 OBP this young season. Good sign. And who doesn't love the name Willy?

Chris Dickerson: You would have been unsuccessful in trying to wipe the grin off Dickerson's face after he dropped the barrel and turned on an inside fastball from Looper, driving it over the left field wall. You would have been unsuccessful in trying to wipe the grin off my face as well. At the moment, it tied the game at 3. Things didn't go so well after that.

Do you know who is good?: Joey Votto. Faithful reader Matt F., who doubles as my cousin, brought up the fact that Joey is on pace for 203 RBIs. Something tells me he'll sleepwalk to half that number, especially if Taveras, Dickerson and Hairston keep working pitchers like it's their job (I guess it is their job).

Jared Burton: We can assume that afterwards Jared showered with his uniform on sitting down with his head between his knees, crying (And for all those Flight of the Conchords fans out there, Jared wasn't crying; it was just raining on his face). 1 IP, 4 ER + 1 inherited Owings run (Owings shakes head in disapproval). One of those games that takes the ERA on a hot-air ballon ride. It might come back down to Earth in a few months. If you're going to blame someone for tonight's loss, blame Jared.

Alex Gonzalez: Offensive explosion from Gonzo tonight. An RBI double--his first hit of the season. That's all.

Ramon Hernandez: Offensive explosion from Ramon tonight. Two singles, one of them an infield hit. Yeah, Ramon!

Phillips, Bruce, Encarnacion: 0-12. That's not going to win many.

Mike Cameron: 3-3, 2 HR, 1 2B, 3 R, 3 RBI, 1 BB. Is there anything else to say?

Todd Coffey: Damnit. Couldn't we have at least gotten a run off Coffey. I mean come on. Yesterday, in reference to being released by the Reds, Coffey said, "I'm glad to be away from the Reds because they tried to take my sinker away, my best pitch." Meeoooww.

Prince Fielder strikes out on Nick Masset ball in the dirt that gets by Hernandez and Fielder makes it to first: I know how you feel Nick. As a former pitcher, this happened to me approximately 972 times from the ages of 6-14. My dad probably still has the stats.

Subpar game overall. Lots of grimacing. At least Dickerson went yard--have I ever told you I love that kid. A sweep this early in the season would have been premature. We need something to work towards, right?

The first recorded grammatical debate in the comments section of Reds.com

2009-04-15T09:49:00.008-06:00

an example of what reds.commenters probably look like

Reds.com has never been a haven for perfect grammar. Often times, fans omit simple forms of punctuation, such as periods.

Example: The bullpen didnt blow it the shortstop did he made one great play and then missed one right to him should have been a double play take 3 away 7 to 6 reds win

So, for a grammatical debate to take place on the reds.com posting board is similar to an etiquette debate taking place at a Crackerbarrel. The buffoonery began after reds.com beat reporter Mark Sheldon sent his game article to mlb.com during the eighth inning and assumed Coco Cordero would shut the door in the ninth. Not so fast. After the Reds scored an insurance run in the eighth (presumably after Sheldon sent in the article) and extended the lead to 4 (thereby erasing the save opportunity), Dusty ran out Mike Lincoln in the ninth. Before Sheldon could send an updated story to mlb.com, the old article posted on reds.com, with Coco Cordero notching a save. Sloppy? Yes. Forgivable? Yes.

Of course, a number of "commenters" from Reds.comment nation were quick to rape Sheldon and point out the glaring mistake (Hey Billy Bob, look at this, I dun found er mistake on this here computer). This is where history is made.

Commenter 1: hey mark sheldon...check your facts...Cordero did not pitch in this game. MLB.com approves your articles? Shotty at best.

Commenter 2: ...as for checking facts, yes, Sheldon got it wrong. At the same time, the word "shotty" is a misspelled (yes, the "s" is plural in misspelled) version of the Webster's-recognized word "shoddy." "Shotty" is what a redneck kills squirrels with or what a "gangsta" saws off. Check your facts.

RedlegsFan84: BTW, whoever was trying to correct grammar forgot that plural only refers to words, like nouns or adjectives, not singular letters. So the "s" in misspelled is not plural, there's just 2 of them. Thanks for playing, and remember, never correct grammar in a message board, no one cares!

Commenter 2: The word "plural" is defined as "two or more..." In other words, more than one. So two "S's" (to use the slang term for the plural of "s") is plural. Words can, indeed, also be plural. However, plurality is not simply limited to words. People/persons/peeps/boys/girls/homies/choose your slang term in multiple can also be said to qualify as "plural." The point was not to correct grammar, but rather to get some snotty smart@$ to back up off the ntz of a quality journalist who, due to deadline constraints, turned in his report in the 8th, and suffered the error of his editor missing his mistake. Look, we're faced with one of two options: get the posted article immediately, or wait for a well-edited, pretty, grammatically-correct version. Personally, as someone who was up at 7 and worked until 10, only tuning in for the full ninth inning, I'd like to get the general rundown, sans perfectionism. When all is said and done, I simply wanted to point that out, not correct what we both agree is irrelevant grammar. Grammatically- and intellectually-speaking, as one who has "it," I hate to see either flaunted, most especially by those lacking either or both.

Grooveleg: oh please. whoever mentioned the grammatical error in their post is a doosh. he [Mark Sheldon] is a professional journalist--somebody who eats, sleeps, and breathes grammar. you can't possibly think he read over it a second time and thought, "mmhmm... looks right to me!" [This guy thinks that Commenter 2 was correcting Sheldon's grammar]

Soapyjapan: I would have to say that there are multiple S's in the word misspelled. Plural is only a grammatical number, so it not supposed to be used like "the 's' is plural in misspelled". For an "s" to be pluralized, then it would look like S's. With that being said, misspelled is not spelled mis'spelled, because that would be stupid.

Well, there you have it. I hope you were as entertained as I was. We now have the first grammatical debate on reds.com documented. Whew, that was tiring, but rewarding. And the best part...it's probably not over yet.

If you would like to take part in mostly mature, friendly and intellectual online Reds discussions, I highly recommend Redszone. All you have in that forum is your name--a scary thing--but at least fans are held accountable for what they say in there. For all we know, Reds.com could be infested with Cubs fans working sabotage.

Omission from last night's recap

2009-04-15T08:25:00.002-06:00

How could I forget? Bill Hall got hit in the face with a grounder at third that took a bad hop!

That's all.

Game 7: Mommy, what's a three-game winning streak?

2009-04-14T22:18:00.005-06:00

Reds 3, Brewers 1 (I'll explain Snake in a moment)

Bronson Arroyo: 6.1 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 4 BB, 3 K. A very solid performance despite the bouts of wildness (57 strikes in 107 pitches), but pitched himself out of a couple jams. A very promising start for the rotation considering Volquez and Cueto haven't come around yet.

Edwin Encarnacion: Maybe feeling his oats a little after last nights grand slam. He went 0-4 and had a THROWING ERROR (AHHHHH!!!!)

Joey Votto: Continues to crush. Smoked an RBI double in the first inning to get the Reds on the board.

Willy Taveras: You sir are quickly becoming my favorite person in the world. On base 3 out of 5 times tonight and scored on Hairston's dinger. Stole second late in the game after a few pitches to Votto with me screaming into the TV.

Paul Janish: The little bugger played nice D (I admit the kid has a cannon) and contributed a double over Cameron's head in center. If he can hit .270, I'll never say anything bad about him again. Gonzo shouldn't see an AB the rest of the series.

Ryan Hanigan: Different catcher. Same result. But, he did gun down Corey Hart at second. Hanigan's start got me wondering. Does Bronson Arroyo only throw to white catchers?

Laynce Nix: Two nights in a row with a late-inning pinch hit double. The guy looks like a cross between a lumberjack and a cage fighter.

Jerry Hairston: We really need this guy to hit lefties if he's going to steal Dickerson's ABs. He'll have to put up last year's numbers and some to justify the platoon for me.

Mike "the coronary" Lincoln: Did anyone else not want Votto to drive in that insurance run in the ninth, therefore not widening the lead to four, therefore not having Mike Lincoln come in to finish the game because there was no longer a save opportunity for Coco? I would rather have Coco pitch with a 3-run cushion than Lincoln with a 4-run cushion. In the end, it was slightly harrowing. They hit him on the button a couple times, but no harm done.

Quote of the Game: Who else but Chris Welsh, who was completely serious when he said, "Kurt Russell was Snake Plissken in Escape From New York, one of the best movies ever made." Don't get wrong, I like Escape From New York, but not that much.

Well, well, well. A three-game win streak. I smell a sweep, especially after handling the Brewers 1-2 starting punch. Two more to go. Wow. A sweep. I haven't even thought about a sweep in so long. It's kind of fun to say when you're not on the other end of it. Sweep. Sweep. Haha. Fun!

Game 6: Edinson loses it, Edwin wins it

2009-04-13T22:12:00.010-06:00

Reds 7, Brewers 6

Edinson Volquez: 5 IP, 6 ER, 7 H, 4 BB, 4 K. And thanks to Edwin's grand salami, Edinson stole a win--wow. If Edinson looked rusty in his first outing, he was downright awful in this one. I've never seen him look more vulnerable. No location. Afraid to throw the fastball. Hitters sitting back on the changeup. I didn't think it could get uglier and then he cut off mid-delivery for no reason and was promptly charged with a balk. And then when I thought that was the worst it could get, he appeared to kill Rickie Weeks, who squared to bunt and took a 95-mph fastball where the neck attaches to the torso, and collapsed to the ground and lay motionless for a minute (Ricky was okay). The only positive for Edinson--with the bases loaded, he got out Hart, Braun and Fielder, no easy task.

Edwin Encarnacion: Played game-saver tonight. Absolutely smoked a meaty Gallardo fastball into the left field bleachers. The best swing I've ever seen him take. This bodes well considering the guy has walked 8 times in 6 games this year.

Brandon Phillips: Seriously Brandon, you are not Gary Sheffield. Stop waving the bat. Your swing is way too long. You never choke up. You never cut down your swing in a pitcher's count. You check swing at curveballs four feet outside in the dirt (top of the second tonight). You generate enough air in the box to cool down the front rows. He would be so much better if he swung for contact, even in the cleanup spot.

Quote of the Game: Brandon Phillips batting with a 3-0 count and runners on first and second.
Welsh--"Do you green light Phillips here?"
Thom B.--"No. Do you?"
Welsh--"Yes. He's your number four hitter."

Jay Bruce: Finally homered! Still looked lost at the plate.

Dusty Baker: Looks dumb in batting gloves. But at least you can tell that Dusty HATES to lose.

Joey Votto: What a great scoop on a crappy Phillips throw to complete a huge double play to preserve a one-run game. Aside from the bat (another RBI hit tonight) he's been Mr. Gold Glove at first.

Bullpen: 4 IP, 3 H, 3 BB, 1 K. Kept things interesting with the walks, but somehow managed to hold off a good Milwaukee lineup. Cordero gassed it again in the ninth--a consistent 96-mph heater on the corners.

Todd Coffee: 1.2 innings of revenge-ball. Damn gingers!

Thom and Chris Welsh: I don't mind a little banter in between batters and pitches, but at least update me once in a while. You talked about ice skating and hockey for Taveras' entire third AB. It's not surprising you mess up a lot of names and switches.

I thought this game was over after 2 innings with the Brewers up 5-1. And then with two outs in the third inning, Taveras and Dickerson walked, Votto singled, Phillips walked, Bruce got plunked, and then Edwin salamied. My how things change quickly. We still only got six hits, but who cares! We won! We won!

Belisle Lives!

2009-04-13T12:19:00.004-06:00

dun da da!

Yes, I was aware that the Rockies picked up Belisle a few months back, but I was waiting for the right time. That time has come. And yes Matt, we do see that neck pimple.

Matt's line: 1 IP, 1 ER (Jason Werth home run--not a promising sign)

SERIES 2 RECAP!!!

2009-04-12T15:01:00.005-06:00

Series
Reds 1-Pirates 1

Overall
Reds 2-3
Pirates 3-3

Rundown
4/10--PPD
4/11--Pirates 10, Reds 2 (excuse me while I use the restroom)
4/12--Reds 2, Pirates 0 (thank God)

The end of this novel...
And almost as soon as they had arrived, the Pirates sailed. No one wanted them to leave, but the tides were still low. The booty had been salvaged and the Reds felt good about it. They hadn't felt this good in a long time. Things were going to change. That's what Aaron said with his look.

Reds.com fan post of the series
I agree our offense is terrible. Saying it's not won't make it better.I would like to know who tells these guys to take two fastballs over the plate and then be forced to swing at garbage in the dirt. I thought they were being paid to swing the bat not to take pitches. If that is the way it is then we might as well have kept Dunn.

Fortune Cookie
To move a runner is to move thy soul.

Completely Unrelated Baseball Quote of the Series
"The designated hitter rule is like letting someone else take Wilt Chamberlain's free throws." ~Rick Wise

New Drinking Game
When Chris Welsh predicts a Willy Taveras steal.

What I saw, heard, felt, smelled, tasted
Is there anything dumber than a two-game series? Why didn't they play a doubleheader after the Friday night rainout? Harang is ready to lead. Taveras is ready to run. Dickerson is ready to play everyday (won't happen). Alex Gonzalez and Ramon Hernandez are ready to become platoon players.

Metaphorical Image of the Series

Game 5: Harang pitches game of the year

2009-04-12T14:21:00.005-06:00

Reds 2, Pirates 0

Aaron Harang: Complete game shutout, 3 H, 9 K. The man was automatic today. Threw 80 strikes in 108 pitches. There was no hope for the Pirates. Harang lived low and on the corners all day. The best I've seen Harang look in two years. Combined with a gritty Opening Day performance against the Mets, you have to feel good about our #1.

The Lineup: Wow. I never thought I'd see Taveras and Dickerson at the top of the order for an entire game. And it was fun to watch.

Willy Taveras: 2-3, 2B, SB, R. He's already won us over.

Chris Dickerson: 1-2, 2 BB. This guy should be in left everyday. You have to love his presence at the plate--the complete opposite of Jay Bruce. Dickerson also mimics a gazelle in left field. And did you see the kid take an extra base on his single when the throw went home. He flew.

Brandon Phillips: His home run in the first proved to be the game winner. But why does he check swing on every pitch? I've never seen a non-Latin player so unwillingly take a ball. I can't believe he's walked 5 times in 5 games.

Jay Bruce--Left his bat in Sarasota. His infield hit late in the game saved himself from a golden sombrero. At least he hustled and beat the throw to first. Why don't more players actually try doing that...you know, running it out?

RISP, less than 2 outs--I've never seen a team worse at moving runners. We should have scored at least 5 runs today. Not a good sign.

Bottom third of the order--35 ABs. 1 Hit. Jeff Keppinger has 4 hits in 7 ABs in Houston.

Quote of the Game--Chris Welsh. "Aaron Harang is always going to throw strikes, except for those days he doesn't have it."

Jack Wilson and Freddy Sanchez--Turned the best double play against the Reds you will see this year.

Johnny Cueto, sloppy bastard--I forgot to mention this yesterday, but if you didn't see the TV broadcast, you missed Johnny Cueto blow a mean snot rocket as he trotted off the field, and then he immediately brought his hand to his face as if the snot rocket got caught somewhere. The next inning, they showed Johnny in the dugout taking a handful of sunflowers and shlopping them in the direction of his mouth, half of which hit off his face and fell on his lap and to the ground. The other half that made it into the mouth were chomped and spit out within a second. Many sunflowers remained stuck around his maw.

This will be the best pitching outing of the year. At least we split with Pitt. With Milwaukee coming up, it's time to make an early statement. Volquez vs. Gallardo will be a dandy.

Game 4: The Death of Mike Lincoln?

2009-04-11T13:53:00.011-06:00

Pirates 10, Reds 2 (Yuck)

George Grande: Stop talking about people in the organization having babies and tell me what is happening in the game. Votto came up to bat and wasn't announced by Grande until the fifth pitch because he was congratulating everyone in the Reds family who had a baby this offseason. And when he did acknowledge Votto, he said "full count to Hairston," which wasn't suprising considering he was a play behind.

Joey Votto: Nailed by left fielder Moss at home plate on an Encarnacion single. Cleated in the knee by catcher Doumit. Rips pants. Limps off field. Runs gingerly rest of game. For the love of God, get better Joey. For the love of God.

Jay Bruce: A couple RBIs and another outfield assist to save a run at home, but was thrown out at first to end the game after forgetting to tag up. Yeah.

Unlucky: Due to the rainout last night, the Pirates skipped over their 5th starter (some guy named Karstens) and reverted back to ace Paul Maholm, who 3-hit us in 7 innings.

Quote of the Game: Chris Welsh describing Votto's home plate collision. "It looks like he got a contusion, meaning a cut, on his left knee..."

Chris Dickerson: Didn't play with the lefty Maholm starting. Instead, Hairston got the nod in left field--0-4, 1 K, 2 LOB. Super. Dusty said Dickerson had 20 HR, 30 SB potential. Not if you platoon him, you jerk.

Johnny Cueto: 6 IP, 9 K, 8 H, 1 BB, 4 ER. There were good innings and bad innings. His start today was a microcosm of his rookie year.

Daniel Ray Herrera: Although he struck out the side in the seventh, for the second time in two appearances he looked like he didn't belong. I'm still trying to understand how this kid retired 26 out of 30 people in Spring Training. Oh wait, I know, because it was Spring Training. If he threw as fast as he worked, he'd be the greatest pitcher of all time.

Micah Owings: Pinch hit. Swung at the first pitch. Doubled off the top of the left-center wall. Awesomeness.

Alex Gonzalez: Hit a plopper right in front of the plate and then let the ball touch his foot as he stepped out of the batter's box, graciously shortcutting to the inevitable.

Mike Lincoln: I suggested that Mike Lincoln was high during his last 1.1 inning appearence. Well, today, Mike might have been high and on acid. 1 IP, 5 ER, 3 H, 3 BB. This included a grand slam by Doumit and a follow up solo shot by LaRoche just to be an ass.

Nyjer Morgan, big bully: The Pirates' speedster weighs under 100 lbs. and bowled over Ramon Hernandez at home even though he could have scored standing up, then later, breaks up a double play at second by legally levelling Alex Gonzalez. This sure doesn't make us look like a bunch of cream-puffs.

Like I said earlier, it should have been Cueto vs. Karstens, not Cueto vs. Maholm. That's a good excuse, right? Ugly game all around. There's nothing like losing to the Pirates by nine at home in front of 22,276 people fans. And why didn't we play a doubleheader today to make up the Friday night rain game? This has been a very anticlimatic opening week.

SERIES 1 RECAP!!!

2009-04-09T19:57:00.008-06:00

Series

Mets 2-1

Overall

Reds 1-2

Mets 2-1

Rundown

4/6--Mets 2, Reds 1 (the Mets cheated)

4/8--Mets 9, Reds 7 (the Mets cheated)

4/9--Reds 8, Mets 6 (kicked their ass)

If this series were a novel, the last sentence would read...

And so they began their quest, cold and damp and stained, on the back of the one called Joseph Daniel Votto.

Reds.com fan post of the series (tie)

I never doubted the reds one bit. I always say they are going to win. I called the Bronson win earlier. I knew that we would not get swept. Like I said before trading Jeff Kep was stupid. He could hit, better than most on the team, and his defense was phanominal. Just believe fans. hopefully queto can bring us a win. THE REDS WON!!!!!!!!!!!! Go Votto.

The bullpen didnt blow it the shortstop did he made one great play and then missed one right to him should have been a double play take 3 away 7 to 6 reds win.

The Cast

Arthur Rhodes as Your Daddy

Joey Votto as The Rake

Jay Bruce as Uncredited Guy who falls down for no reason

Willy Taveras as Flu Bug Johnson

Jerry Hairston Jr. as...no wait, I'm sorry, Jerry won't be here today

Darnell McDonald as The Castaway

Alex Gonzalez as Erin Errorickson of Overratown

Fortune Cookie

If one grooves the first pitch, take not.

Completely Unrelated Baseball Quote of the Series
"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it." ~Rogers Hornsby

New Drinking Game

When Chris Welsh says, "Check up from the neck up."

What I saw, heard, felt, smelled, tasted

Votto ballin' out of control. Bruce looking like a kid...oh wait. Willy Taveras as advertised. Edwin patient at the plate, and even Brandon too, kinda. Arthur Rhodes toying with batters. Coco zipping up the mouths of all those Spring Training haters (almost everyone but me). Defensive abandonment, notably for Edinson, who looked terrifyingly average.

Metaphorical Image of the Series

Game 3: "0-162, I don't think so!"

2009-04-09T13:37:00.004-06:00

Reds 8 - Mets 6

Joey Votto: He prefers his drinks shaken, not stirred. I've said it before. This guy is the new Todd Helton. And the glove work is impressive as well.

Willy Taveras: On base twice. Two runs scored. Dropped a sexy bunt that left Perez, Snyder and Wright paralyzed.

Paul Janish: A bases loaded single. Fans will now want to see him play over Gonzo, which I am okay with.

Arthur Rhodes: Old man got it goin' on.

Francisco Cordero: Consistent 95-mph heater. Sheff and Reyes didn't know what to do, so they just stood there and went back to the dugout, but not without a little bitchin'. Murphy tried his best and swung, but not on this day sir.

Bronson Arroyo: 6 IP, 5 ER, and he gets the W. I'll say it once more. Wins and losses are pointless.

Brandon Phillips: Now that he has a Gold Glove, will he ever make a spectacular play again? One error today and a risky intentional drop on an infield pop fly. And why does he trot around like an old man wherever he goes? Old Man Phillips from now on.

Thank God we avoided the sweep. Thank God.

Hal McCoy Health Watch '09

2009-04-09T10:43:00.003-06:00

Last night, the real Hal McCoy reported that Hal McCoy has the flu. I apologize to Hal McCoy for calling him a "cranky pants" yesterday in a misinformed post. I was unaware that Hal McCoy had the flu at the time. Early reports by Hal McCoy suggest that Hal McCoy might continue with the strain for the next few days. This is the second flu bug Hal McCoy has caught in the last three weeks. We are not yet sure if the event is relatable to African honeybees but we will inform you when we learn. African honeybees are the Kevin Bacon of disease.

Walt would rather not talk about Jonny Gomes

2009-04-09T08:43:00.010-06:00

I found this reds.com article written by Mark Sheldon amusing. Apparently, there weren't many good quotes to work with. Sheldon had one other Jocketty quote to work with, but decided to omit "I like rice."

Game 2: The game that lasted over 4 hours for no reason

2009-04-08T21:25:00.006-06:00

Attendance: 13,568--You mean the fans aren't paying to see small ball and defense?

Jonny Gomes: Accepted a AAA spot. If he can hit .250 down there with a home run every 15 ABs, he should be up around May.

Edinson Volquez: Looked like Matt Belisle out there. Can only get better from here. He was trying to nibble all game. Kill the bunny Edinson. You got these big bear claws. Kill the bunny. You're just pattin' it around.

Mike Lincoln: I sometimes wonder if Mike Lincoln is high.

Fouling the ball off the foot: Are the Reds the only team this happens to?

Defense: Gonzo botches a double play after being shielded by that sneaky Reyes character and the floodgates open shortly after. A few innings later, Jay Bruce fields a sharply hit ball in right field, and somewhere in the mix, falls on his ass thereby opening the floodgates 2.0 (even better than the first!).

Being on Base is fun!!!...oh shit: Jay Bruce gets picked off first with Votto on third. Votto tries for home and is nailed at the plate to end the fifth inning.

Joey Votto: We are now fully prepared for a monster year from Mr. Votto. Just imagine what this guy could do if he wasn't being protected by Brandon Phillips.

Willy Taveras: You are awesome for now. Triple and a run in the blink of an eye.

Alex Gonzalez: I'm already getting tired of this guy--has no approach at the plate. Never has. Never will. Hey that reminds me. You know who had a great approach at the plate. Jeff Keppinger. He had the game winning hit for Houston last night and homered tonight. Keep it going Kepp.

Quote of the game: Chris Welsh--"Swing and a...no wait, ball taken high."

All around dumb game. More mistakes. Poor pitching. Neither team wanted to win this one. No excuses tonight.

Hal McCoy is a cranky pants

2009-04-07T12:48:00.006-06:00

Hal is not buying this "Everything will be okay, 161 to go" idea that Dusty alluded to postgame.

Link to Dayton Daily News article.

If you're having a good day, stay away. It will make you want to curl up in the shower with your clothes on.

Oh, and Hal, going up against Johan Santana, J.J. Putz and K-Rod, is a pretty good excuse for scoring one run. Even I acknowledge that. Stay away from the ledge.

Reds Lineup: "Producing Runs is HARRDDD."

2009-04-06T15:46:00.003-06:00

Jay Bruce: Opposite-field double off the wall in a cold drizzle against Johan Santana. Oh, and he was fooled on the pitch and swung noncommitally.

Joey Votto: The plate presence of a veteran. Reminds me of Splinter, the knowledgable old sewer rat from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But why Joey did you strike out on three consecutive fastballs down the middle without lifting the bat off your shoulder. You're better than that.

Edwin Encarnacion: Walked twice and smoked a tough luck liner that was caught by Murphy that would have tied the game, but his game was not without a brain fart. You should never get doubled up at first from the outfield.

George Grande: I have to give it to him. He does a good interview, this time with Frank Robinson. Sure, his questions are softballs, but the guy is classy. Maybe that's why I despise him so much. Too much class. I like the broadcaster with nothing to lose, who says things that don't even make sense, like Jeff Brantley.

Darnell McDonald: He is really good at diving for balls and not catching them, then sliding forty feet out of the camera view. I felt like Hairston and McDonald were going to drop every ball. They exuded no confidence. When that blooper fell in between Hairston, McDonald and Gonzalez, somehow, somewhere Adam Dunn saw this and laughed.

Aaron Harang: Effective. Could have gone another inning. The Mets weren't hitting him that hard. I'm still confused as to how you and Ramon Hernandez let Ryan Church steal second?

Chris Dickerson: Crime against humanity that the guy wasn't given the Opening Day nod. Worked a full count walk against J.J. Putz late in the game.

Aflac trivia question: Harder than the pink questions from Trivial Pursuit genus edition V.

Quote of the Game: A moustacheless Chris Welsh. "Pitching is pitching. Catching is catching."

Spitting rain. Cold. Johan Santana all up in your personal space. Taveras down with the flu. Can we get a do-over.

Public Forum: What are you most excited for on Opening Day?

2009-04-05T22:11:00.010-06:00

Alexander Walgrove IV
Lounge Singer

Darnell McDonald in the outfield. I'd take him over Adam Dumb anyday. Give me hustle over braun.

Victoria Shank
Babysitter

I heard they lowered beer to $5 a glass. Amazing!

Gary Radmonski
Landscape

Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey. Nick Lachey. In that order.

Opening Day roster set: Brandon Phillips makes team

2009-04-05T18:08:00.008-06:00

--Homer Bailey, Adam Rosales, Bill Bray and Jonny Gomes optioned to AAA. Gomes can become a free agent (in other words, goodbye sweet Jonny. It was over before it started. I love you. Be good, and if there is ever a bench-clearing brawl with the Reds, go straight for Nix.) Bray should be up soon.

--Micah Owings secures 5th spot in rotation, but will probably pitch in Bronson Arroyo's spot Thursday.

--Laynce Nix and Darnell McDonald are your backup outfielders. F**k.

--McDonald will start in left field on Opening Day, over Chris Dickerson. F**k.

--Daniel Ray Herrera earns final bullpen spot. He is 5'6", 165 lbs. F**k, that is small.

--A Cincinnati riot was avoided last week when Jacque Jones was excommunicated from the village, along with Little Norris Hopper (Nooooooo!!!) and Daryl Thompson, the latter two optioned to AAA.

Opening Day lineup

1. Jerry Hairston Jr, LF (Taveras out with the flu. F**k.)

2. Darnell McDonald, CF (Darnell McDonald belongs on the farm, E-I-E-I-O)

3. Joey Votto, 1B

4. Brandon Phillips, 2B (He made it!)

5. Jay Bruce, RF

6. Edwin Encarnacion, 3B (Ten bucks Edwin airmails his first throw)

7. Ramon Hernandez, C

8. Alex Gonzalez, SS (Janish is your backup. Do not get injured.)

9. Aaron Harang, P (Size of head doubled with loss of weight)

Rotation

1. Aaron Harang

2. Edinson Volquez (The only Red on my fantasy team. Don't ruin this for me, Ed.)

3. Bronson Arroyo (Still not on DL, even though he can't feel his hand)

4. Johnny Cueto

5. Micah Owings

Bench

Willy Taveras, CF (The Taveras era begins with disappointment)

Chris Dickerson, OF (Will never again get a chance to hit lefties)

Laynce Nix, OF (Because you are not Jonny Gomes, I immediately hate you.)

Paul Janish, SS (Can field a grounder and that's about it)

Ryan Hanigan, C

Bullpen

Francisco Cordero (245.34 ERA this spring)

Jared Burton

Daniel Ray Herrera

Arthur Rhodes

Nick Masset

Mike Lincoln

David Weathers

So, there is your Opening Day roster. Spring Training is over. No more meaningless speculation. 81 wins and I'll be happy. More than 81 wins and I'll be real happy. Less than 81 wins and I'll be happy, because all those fans that predicted a 90-win season will either become very angry or will find clever ways to wash the Kool-Aid moustache off their face, and it will provide for beautiful entertainment.

And before we get this thing underway, let's make one thing clear. I love baseball and I love the Cincinnati Reds.

Jeff Brantley, M.D.

2009-04-04T14:05:00.006-06:00

The following discussion took place during Bronson Arroyo Spring Break Blastoff '09 featuring the Reds AA affiliate Zebulon Mudcats who went on to beat their superiors 12-4.

Marty--The point I was making when the top of the second ended--the subject of carpal tunnel came up--and Bronson talked about signing a lot of autographs and strumming his guitar. It stretches the level of believability, that signing an abundance of autographs could create that physical problem, but maybe playing the guitar excessively will. And if that's the problem, that's not a good sign whatsoever.

Brantley--Well, it's not, and we've talked about that many times. And the thing about it, Marty, is I've played the guitar, and I know what it does. It hurts your back, and it bothers your neck, which includes your radial nerve, which goes right down into that web space which is right between the thumb and the finger. That radial nerve comes out of the base of your neck, and it comes right down over the top of your forearm and into the web space between your thumb and your forefinger and that's the place, the exact place, that Bronson Arroyo is talking about it being numb and bothering him.

Marty--Well, if it is from playing the guitar, and I've alluded to it before--his vocation is pitching (interrupted by Brantley)

Brantley--Well we talked about this last year.

Marty--He's paid handsomely to pitch.

Brantley--Well, we talked about it last year, and as soon as everybody made a big deal about playing the guitar, he stopped playing and he had a wonderful second half.

Marty--I would just hope that this thing does not progress to the point where he's going to have to have this surgically repaired because that's usually what you have to do.

Brantley--Well, I don't think it's carpal tunnel for one.

Marty--You don't?

Brantley--Nope, I do not.

Marty--What do you think it is?

Brantley picks up with the play-by-play. "Another line drive right up the box..." and never comes back to his diagnosis.

HD Scoreboard or Bobby Abreu? Scoreboard.

2009-04-04T10:17:00.011-06:00

The Reds spent $10 million this offseason on technological upgrades, including a spiffy high-def vivid color scoreboard and new HDTVs for the luxury suites that most of us will ever see. Great American Ball Park will be the only outdoor sports facility in the land with 16 mm pixels in each of its LED scoreboard displays (somewhere out there a couch potato just jizzed his pants). The Reds are fiscally responsible for the continuing maintenance of the scoreboard because Hamilton County, who owns the stadium, just amended the 2003 lease to make it say, "We ain't payin' for that pork." At least the new scoreboard is energy efficient.

per the Enquirer--

" 'Being the oldest (professional) baseball team, the Reds always want to be our industry leaders. We always want to be at the top of that game,' said Jennifer Berger, Reds senior director of entertainment, whom the Reds hired from the Atlanta Braves last year."

Well, it's nice to know the Reds are dedicated to being a leader in the technology game. We were the first professional baseball team after all.

According to Terry Evans, Hamilton County's director of operations for Great American Ball Park, the technological improvements and other changes, such as the renovation of the Fox Sports Ohio Champions Club (contain your excitement), are going to enhance the fan experience. “It shows that the Cincinnati Reds are really thinking about their fans,” he said. “They’re a business entity, and they know they have to compete for the entertainment dollar and the discretionary funds that people have.”

MEMO to REDS--While your stadium enhancements are first class and will certainly enhance the fan experience, it doesn't exactly tackle the problem of putting butts in seats.

ATTENDANCE RANK and AVERAGE/GAME
2008--23rd, 25,413
2007--24th, 25,414
2006--22nd, 26,353
2005--25th, 23,988
2004--18th, 28,237
2003--13th, 29,077 (inaguaral year @ Great American Ball Park)

The last time I checked, the best way to show you care about your fans is to field a contender. Technological upgrades are nice don't get me wrong, and I'm sure the new scoreboard will be so intense that it will make the Kiss Cam seem like porn, but the tech-gloss is only a cover up of the inadequate baseball we've come accustomed to at GABP. I'd rather have a Crosley Field scoreboard and a right-handed power hitter. Bobby Abreu signed a one-year deal with the Angels for around $8 million. I know this might not seem like a fair, practical assessment. I'm just sayin'.

Bronson Arroyo can see dead people

2009-04-01T16:25:00.005-06:00

We are saddened by a recent release from the Reds PR department that announced rock guitarist Bronson Arroyo, also pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds, is battling carpal tunnel syndrome, or the ability to see dead people.

Here are some quotes from the release...

Arroyo on pitching while a dead paperboy rides a bicycle around the mound in circles...
"It makes it harder to pitch, but I just have to deal with it."

Arroyo on pitching against the Yankees and the ghost of Mickey Mantle...
"My fingers were weak, like they were falling asleep. Then it went away. After I pitched the ALDS, it came back. I worried about throwing against the Yankees. I only threw a couple more times out of the 'pen. We went on to win, and in the offseason, it didn't bother me."

Dusty on the presence of a hippie stalker ghost in the clubhouse...
"Everybody thinks it's from him playing the guitar too much. He assured us he hadn't been. It's something he's going to have to deal with, and we have to find a way to solve it."

All jokes aside, this could be a potential career-ending malady for Bronson if it worsens over the next few years. If Bronson wants to defeat this, he needs to stop running away in fear and actually listen to what they're trying to say (the medical staff that is).

R.I.P. Jeff Keppinger

2009-04-01T15:13:00.004-06:00

Just after the trade, Kepp posed for his new team.

Yesterday the Reds traded Jeff Keppinger to Houston. Today, the Reds played Houston...and Jeff Keppinger. Let's just make this as uncomfortable as possible. At least Kepp wasn't hit by a pitch.

So yes, the Reds have parted ways with Jeff "Elmer Fudd" Keppinger, for the dreaded player to be named later, which is never good for the psyche--

Walt: Kepp, I'm sorry, but we've traded you to Houston.

Kepp: That's okay, I guess. I should get more playing time there. Say, just curious, who did you get for me? Micheal Bourn? Reggie Abercrombie? Christ, please don't say Geoff Blum. Anybody but Geoff Blum.

Walt: Well, technically, it is anybody at this point.

Kepp: I'm not sure what you mean.

Walt: We traded you for a player to be named later.

Kepp: Jesus Walt, why? (eyes welling)

Walt: At the moment, you are more valuable to our club by just not being here. It doesn't even matter who we get. Just not having you here is good enough. Don't tell Houston this, but I would have traded you for a discount hummer from that whore in their PR department, but they offered an unnamed minor leaguer and I thought what the hell.

It's pretty obvious that Kepp hasn't been the same player since fracturing his kneecap last year and the Reds were unwilling to wait any longer, especially with farm-raised youngsters Janish and Rosales gearing up to be the next Juan Castro for years to come. Okay, maybe just Janish.

I'm happy for Kepp, as I am for most players traded away from our organization. Houston needs all the help they can get. When (not if) this guy gets healthy, he will hit over .300 and never strike out, while displaying solid defense, as he has done at every level. Every time Kepp gets a hit against the Reds this year I will do a shot of vodka, and you can bet your ass I won't be able to stand up after each game.

R.I.P. Daryle Ward

2009-03-24T21:36:00.006-06:00

This is the image that came up when I googled "Daryle Ward Cincinnati Reds." How fitting.

When you are as one-dimensional as Daryle Ward (left-handed pinch hitting power bat) you should probably be damn good if not downright fantastic at your one thing. Unfortunately, Daryle is just a notch above average at that one thing he does.

Ward was the first cut by the Reds this spring who's name might sound familiar to a mildly dedicated fan of another team. While there are other players performing worse than Daryle in camp, he was weeded early, inevitably to give him enough time to sign with another team before Opening Day and become that team's left-handed pinch hitting power bat. He only needs St. Louis and Milwaukee to complete the NL Central tour.

All other outfield/first base backups being considered for the Reds 25-man roster can play multiple positions well and should provide at least average firepower (Gomes, Nix, Jones). I had originally pegged Ward with a roster spot, but I've been wrong about predicting bench spots before (the 1995 Jimmy Reynolds incident comes to mind--I hate when that pick rears its ugly head). I don't feel bad for Daryle. At least management is being consistent. They're going young. Daryle is not young. He's 34, which is like 68 outside of baseball. Laynce Nix might be the beneficiary of this move, a younger guy who's been waiting for a chance. I say give it to him. Or better yet, Little Norris Hopper! Almost forgot about him. Oh, Norry, please make it, please. But wait, Jacque Jones is 34 too. I give up. Just close your eyes and pick someone, then start the season.

STAT WATCH: I foresee at least one late-inning Daryle Ward revenge homer against the Reds. This will most likely happen against David Weathers and an 87-mph fastball that was aimed at the outside corner but for some reason floated gently over the center of the plate.

Why I despise George Grande

2009-03-23T12:11:00.004-06:00

"Stay tuned for The Best Darn Sports Show Period."

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Jacque Jones can count his friends on one hand

2009-03-16T10:34:00.010-06:00

"Joe Morgan, how come no one likes me?"

If Jacque Jones makes the Opening Day roster, it's safe to say the world will end. He has a few things going against him...

He is 34.
As with Corey Patterson, he used to play for Dusty on the Cubs (a devestating combo for any Reds fan).
He is coming off the worst season of his career and is batting .172 this spring (many Reds fans judge a player's entire career on one Spring Training)
He is competing with fan favorites Chris Dickerson, Jonny Gomes, Little Norris Hopper, Laynce Nix and the ghost of Adam Dunn for a roster spot.

That's quite a mountain to climb for Jacque. I don't know what would make Reds fans dislike him any more, unless of course he was black with a French name.

Uh oh.

The worst song ever written?

2009-03-15T14:03:00.006-06:00

These are The Hotcakes, and their song "Paint the Town Red" was chosen by the Reds PR department as the Reds theme song this year. The band is comprised of a cute blonde singer, a nerdy guitarist who's timidness causes him to raise his hands towards his neck when the camera is on him (much like Ricky Bobby), a saucy black keyboardist who majors in keepin' it real, and the drummer, in his spare time, does TV commercials for UPS where he does quick line drawings on a white background.

Here are the lyrics from what I can decipher:

When the cops come, we're gonna run right at them (really?)
Because they'll never expect it (over and over)
We'll paint the town red (8 times too many)

And the next time that your mother calls, we're gonna shout shout shout at the way it feels (what?)
Because she'll never expect it (0ver and over)
We'll paint the town red (8 times too many)

The next time the dogs are out, we're gonna search for a snapshot (applesauce pajama bunches--wait a second, just making up random phrases is kinda fun!)
Because they'll never expect it (over and over)
We'll paint the town red (shoot me in the face)

From what I gather, this song is about rioting against the police, yelling at your mother, searching for snapshots when the dogs are out (?), and all the while you are on a violent murder spree. Couldn't we have just paid the rights to John Fogerty's Centerfield and gotten on with things. Here's a link to their myspace page, where you can hear a studio version of the song, and posted below is a live video from the only New York bar they play in.

Apologies to DARYLE Ward

2009-03-15T12:13:00.008-06:00

On another note, why is country music so bad?

If you see Daryle soon, tell him I'm sorry for spelling his name wrong for three months on The Red Scare. I knew there was a slight twist in the spelling of the name and I spelled it Darryl, not Daryle (which I believe is pronounced duh-rye-lee). Any incorrect past spellings of Daryle's name will stand as they are, strictly out of apathy.

Once again, Darrell, I'm sorry.

John Fay accomplishes the impossible

2009-03-15T09:09:00.011-06:00

This is hard for me, because from what I know, John Fay is a good Enquirer reporter, as honest a source as you're going to get in reference to the Reds. He also seems like a polite man, one who dresses semi-casually and would make a tremendous uncle. You'll never catch John in his undies on a Saturday morning knock, let's just put it that way.

So you could imagine my anticipation when I read the title of his story yesterday on the Enquirer web page:

Rotation takes shape

and the lede: Reds manager Dusty Baker revealed on Friday how the rest of the rotation will shape up behind Opening Day starter Aaron Harang.

Hold on for one second while I change my pants because I seem to have saturated them with urine. It appeared that Dusty made the doomsday decision of selecting Owings or Bailey for the 5th starter spot! The decision would have been slightly premature with 20 days 'til Opening Day, but then again, we're talking about Dusty here. The man has some dumbfounding methods.

To make a long story short (and I wouldn't even bother reading the article even though I've posted a link to it thus giving you the option ro read it even after my suggestion not to read it, because I'm pro-choice), the article revealed the rest of the rotation after Harang to be (pay close attention): Edinson Volquez, Bronson Arroyo, Johnny Cueto and...and...ummm....nothing........no mention of anything about the 5th starter.....oh, wait, except for an Edinson quote about how he was happy not to be the 5th starter this year. "Damn you John," the blogger screams at the top of his lungs, holding and shaking his fist in the air.

And with that, John Fay accomplished the impossible by writing an article about the set pitching rotation without mentioning Homer Bailey or Micah Owings--not one mention of either. You should know that most reporters do not get final say on the title of their story (that's a job for the pompous editors), but even still, John's lede was cruel and unusual punishment for all Reds fans. If you read the article not knowing anything about baseball or the Reds, you probably just assume that the Reds are going with a 4-man rotation.

And the dazzling finale:

Cueto will start Sunday in place of Nick Masset. Masset will be used in relief of Cueto. "(Cueto's) only warmed up as a starter," Baker said.

Riggghhhhhttttt?

Davey Johnson will never forgive his stepson

2009-03-13T13:45:00.006-06:00

Davey Johnson, former Reds coach and current manager of Team USA baseball, will miss the team's WBC second round opener against Puerto Rico tomorrow because his stupid stepson, who he never asked for, is getting married. Of all the dates, Jeremy, really?

None other than bench coach Barry Larkin will take over the reigns for Johnson, who will rejoin the team on Sunday. This is Barry's chance to insert himself in the lineup. He could probably out-play Derosa.

Spring Training, when will you end?

2009-03-11T15:08:00.013-06:00

Edinson "getting the rust off"

This is the first year I've followed Reds Spring Training pitch by pitch. Let's just say I want to stab my eyes out with a spork. A person can only take so much speculation. Only 25 more days of torture! I think most fans grow more excited as the preseason trods along, but I find myself wanting to hurt my live-in girlfriend for no reason when I watch players like Richar, Rosales and Barker fart around the field playing dress up like a Red for a day. Oh and I almost forgot about Houston players Newhan, Sutton, Palmisano, Bogusevic and Mansella. I watched them play too--what thrills!

The speculation! The Spring Training cliches! I don't know if I can take it anymore. The highlight of today's game for me was when the Houston Astros radio announcer listed our starting defense, including Dennis Hopper in center field. It made me so happy at the moment, and now, thinking back on it, it is really sad how happy I was.

At least the World Baseball Classic has provided some diamond drama. You have to love how Joey Votto, playing for Canada, stroked a homer against America's best, Jake Peavy. And you have to be happy for Adam Dunn, who is carrying the load for the United States in the cleanup spot and getting oodles of praise from analysts. Son of a biscuit, he has looked good on the big stage, as close as he'll ever get to a playoff scenario (gypsy tears).

Throw out the statistics in Spring Training

They are practically useless for many reasons listed below. (I'll be borrowing here from a well-written Kansas City Royals blog article. Who knew someone associated with the Royals could produce something so beautiful. JK NYRoyal.)

1. The sample size is shrimpy. Nothing can be proven for a hitter in less than 40 ABs, which is what most fringe batters will get, and in the same way, for fringe starting pitchers who might get 15-20 IP, and relievers who might get 5-10 IP, if they're lucky.

2. The scrubs come out to play. Who are all of these people? I'm pretty sure one guy's name was Humpty McDougal.

3. Unreal play. Veterans usually set their motors on coast and pitchers tinker around with different pitches. Other players who are locks are just saving themselves and avoiding injury. When I pitched in high school (here we go), I remember fooling around with different grips and motions in the preseason because I could, and cause it was kind of fun.

4. Cactus League air factor. The ball carries well in Arizona, or so I hear.

I know that Spring Training has its benefits, but preseason stats should never be used to judge a player. The coaching staff could give a rat's Belisle about stats. They are looking at the nuances of development in younger players: the added velocity on a fastball, the refined location, the shortened swing, the improved eye, the use of the whole field, the jump on the stolen base, and other intangibles. In veterans, Spring Training is mostly a pulse checker: can he still get the bat off his shoulders? Can he still judge a fly ball? It's very similar to an auto emission's test. More than likely, you're gonna pass.

Here are some deceiving Spring Trainings from last year's team...

Joey Votto--38 ABs, .158 BA, .263 SLG (result: best all-around hitter on the team)
Corey Patterson--22 ABs, .455 BA, .545 SLG (result: you would have done better than Corey)
Drew Anderson--33 ABs, .394 BA, .485 SLG (result: no soup for you)
Andy Green--28 ABs, .357 BA, .786 SLG (result: he bagged your groceries last night)

Spring Training cliches
I listened to a broadcast recently (I forget which one. They all blend together.) where the announcer described a player's timing as being out of sorts after the player was late on a fastball and early on a changeup. "He's just getting the rust off," the announcer said. In the player's next AB, he smoked a 450 ft. homer. The announced said, "He's really zeroed in this spring." This is a microcosm of what Spring Training means to me.

Some past Reds Spring Training records

2008 17-15

2007 18-12

2006 22-11

2005 17-15

2004 17-16

Ranks: NL Central Third Basemen

2009-03-09T19:33:00.005-06:00

1. Aramis Ramirez, 31--CHI

2. Troy Glaus, 32--STL

3. Edwin Encarnacion, 26--CIN

4. Bill Hall, 29--MIL

5. Insert HOU third basemen here

6. Insert PIT third basemen here

Aramis Ramirez and his pet rooster take the cake slice here. Ramirez hasn't finished with an OPS+ less than 126 in his last five seasons. Aramis was a 2003 gift from the Pirates, who gave him to the Cubs for Jose Hernandez, Bobby Hill and Matt Brubeck. In most cases, three players are better than one--in this case, not at all. Then again, that's why Pittsburgh is Pittsburgh. They trade away young talent to "go even younger," an interesting concept. Troy Glaus is next, and even though he's only played three full seasons in the past six years, the man puts up numbers and isn't too much of a liability in the field. While his career batting average in 11 seasons is only .256, he owns a .360 OBP, .498 SLG and an OPS+ of 121, which is freaking great. In two years, however, Troy will be DHing in the AL.

Which brings us to Edwin, a 26-year-old who seems to gain more of an understanding every year, but who has yet to put it all together and produce a great year. He's finished above the league average in OPS+ the last three seasons (106, 101, 108) as a 23, 24 and 25-year-old. Fans have never given Edwin their hearts because they do not trust his defense, which can be, to say the least, at times, poop. And because of this poop factor, fans have grown tired with every out Edwin makes at the bat (see this baffling blog article in CityBeat entitled The Reds are Weird and it's EE's fault. WARNING: Hipsters don't do sports).

You never know what you're going to get with Bill Hall, unless of course he's playing the Reds. In 308 plate appearances, Bill has a .988 OPS against us. Against everyone else, he is human. And then there are a cluster of aging third basemen (Blum, Boone, Vazquez) who, frankly, I don't feel like writing about in any way.

All in all, just remember, no matter how frustrated you get with Edwin, the Reds have it pretty good at third base.

Dusty Bottoms (#1)

2009-03-06T21:51:00.006-07:00

Per the Enquirer...

"[Jay Bruce] is starting to swing good. He's swinging better than he was last [Spring Training]. Last year his average was high but his production wasn't as good as it is this year."

Jay Bruce has batted 10 times this spring. He has 2 singles and 1 homer. Last spring he batted .262 in 42 ABs. Just so we're clear.

OBP: "Oh Brandon Phillips"

2009-03-05T20:05:00.009-07:00

Brandon Phillips made it clear today that he doesn't believe in the idea of OBP, aka on-base percentage, aka the measurement of how often a batter reaches base. In an Enquirer article out today, Phillips had all sorts of interesting things to say. Here are some of the most interesting.

"I don't believe in that on-base percentage (stuff). That's overrated to me. If you get hits, you'll be on base. That's what it's about."

This sounds like something a good player with a low OBP would say, or someone who is confusing real baseball with video game baseball. We all know what Dusty said recently about OBP, in reference to Willy Taveras and his lack thereof--"Everyone talks about his on-base percentage. I like the way he gets in scoring position." It appears this backwards outlook has rubbed off on our bright young grinning star.

"I'm a hitter. I swing the bat. I'm an aggressive hitter. They want me to work on [being patient], and I'll try my best. But I'm a hitter."

These quotes explain a lot about Brandon, who doesn't seem to know the difference between being a hitter and a hacker. The latter might have a career SO/BB ratio of 3:1 like Brandon does. It's okay to be aggressive but you can really hurt your team in many ways by swinging at crap pitches, which Brandon is amazing at.

"My numbers were good last year. For me to hit 20-plus homers, steal 20-plus bags and have 70-plus RBI, that's a good season, especially for a second basemen."

Brandon sounds pretty defensive, and maybe he should be. When he puts it that way, yes, he did put up pretty solid numbers for a second basemen. But when you zoom out and see that all his offensive numbers went down at an age when numbers should spike, that for his 23 swipes he was nailed 10 times, that he might have netted more RBI had he not batted .225 in 71 ABs with two outs and runners in scoring position, those general numbers lose some luster.

"I think [the Reds new emphasis on speed] is a good thing--moving runners from first to second and second to third. It's good to have speed on the team. Speed kills. We've been relying on the home run for so many years. We've had eight losing seasons. The way I look at it: It's time for a change. Walt Jocketty brought that in. We're 100 percent behind him."

When the hell did Brandon Phillips become the Machurian Candidate? I can see Brandon saying this quote in a monotone droll, his eyes not focused on anything in front of him, a Reds PR person coming out to the podium and taking him by the arm, "Okay Brandon, that will be all for today, good job." Brandon doesn't respond and is walked out of the room and placed in his pod for the night. Seriously Brandon, get with it. Speed isn't nearly as effective when you have a .319 career OBP as a Red. When you learn to get on base, we become a much more dangerous team. And to say we've been relying on home runs for the past eight years, why not just come out and blame it on Dunn and Griff? What about the other six or seven batters during that period? Couldn't they have balanced out the home run attack with some good hitting and speed. Couldn't they have done something to help win games? And what about the scalliwag pitching during those years? Somebody cut my cord. I'm turning into a crank. There can't possibly be more, can there?

"I'm not a typical fourth hitter. But who else on the team is going to do it?"

I give up. Brandon, I like you, but we have some fundamental baseball disagreements. With that kind of attitude, you will never develop into a professional hitter as they say, one who can manipulate the strike zone and make the pitcher work overtime, one who can help the team by taking ball four instead golfing for strike three. If you raise your OBP 70 points, you are Joe Morgan. That's how good you can be. Now get out there and stop trying to be Wily Mo Pena.

Reds.comments and a 10-inning win against the Netherlands!

2009-03-04T19:40:00.015-07:00

The Reds only needed 10 innings yesterday to take down a fearsome Netherlands All-Star team made up of the same players that make up their regular team. While it hasn't been reported if the Netherlanders wore wooden cleats, according to comments on the Reds.com message board, based on a handful of Spring Training games, the Reds have a striking resemblance to the Big Red Machine, the 1990 World Series team, and the late 90's Yankee dynasty...really. And some have already lost faith in closer Francisco Cordero after 2 innings and 5 earned runs of baseball. Pop a bowl of corn and let's take a look at some comments.

"I hope I'm wrong, but I think the Francisco Cordero signing is going to wind up being a huge failure. He's giving up at least a run per inning. I know it's early but he needs to get it together. If he can't get guys out in the fifth inning, then how can we expect him to get guys out when it counts?"

10 years of 3.29 ERA baseball and you just threw Coco under the bus after 2 innings of Spring Training ball. It is clear that you have very poor stamina in the bedroom.

"Dickerson, Taveras and Bruce...WOW. If the speed is all it's advertised we are going to see some exciting defense this year. I think back to Griffey, Geronimo and Foster. Is the "Big Red Machine" getting tuned up for a comeback. I sure hope so, it's been too long without a championship."

This poor man has been starved for a winning team for too long because he just compared Dickerson/Taveras/Bruce to Griffey/Geronimo/Foster. Not that I need to clarify, but...In 19 seasons, Ken Griffey batted .296/.359/.431 with a 118 OPS+. In 15 seasons, Cesar Geronimo won 4 Gold Gloves in center field. In 18 seasons, George Foster batted .274/.338/.480 with a 126 OPS+. In 1977, he hit 52 home runs. Considering our starting outfield will have roughly six years of questionable big league experience, let's hold off on the Big Red Machine comparisons.

"The Yankee dynasty of the late 90's didn't have a single player that hit 30 or more home runs. Timely hitting, pitching and defense can take a team a long way."

While you are correct that the Yankees didn't have a single player that hit 30 or more home runs in the late 90's (Bernie hit 30 in 2000), they didn't abandon the long ball as you imply. They ranked 4th, 8th, and 6th in the AL in home runs in 1998, 1999 and 2000 during their three-peat. Not too shabby. Just throw out any stat that takes a shadow jab at Adam Dunn why don't you, you big jerk.

"I have been a Reds fan since 1961 and I think this team bears a striking resemblance to the 1990 team. The only difference being the bullpen. The 1990 team had the nasty boys and this year we have Rhodes(too old) and Weathers(too sad). There is still time to improve."

A striking resemblance to the 1990 World Series team? That's a tall order...

The 1990 Reds (NL ranks)

1st in BA (.265)

4th in OBP (.322)

3rd in SLG (.399)

2nd in ERA (3.39)

2nd in SO (1,029)

In other words, your memory is starting to go. You would have been perfect as James Garner in The Notebook. And you're a fan since 1961? Was that like the year you were born or something, because if not, that's kind of weird to say that you've been a fan since that year, like one day in 1961 you just decided to start liking the Reds or something, just turned on the damn switch huh? Well guess what, I've been a Reds fan since 1960, even though I was born in 1985, and there's nothing you can do about it.

"I too have been a fan since 1961. This team reminds me of another Reds team built around the idea of speed and defense. GM Bob Howsam traded power hitting 1B Lee May to Houston for a base stealing 2nd baseman named Joe Morgan and a centerfielder with an arm like a howitzer named Cesar Geronimo. The result? the BIG RED MACHINE. Walt has the right idea here."

Also starring Ramon Hernandez as Johnny Bench? You and the commenter above should have a 1961 class reunion and talk about how you make poor observations about baseball, and probably life.

"...Tavaras, Harriston/Dickerson, Votto/Gomes,Phillips, Bruce, Fernandez, EE, Gonzo/Kepp= 6 runs a game avg..."

This one is a little too easy, like picking on the goth kid. Harriston and Fernandez? Get the names right Jim. And also, the Cubs led the NL in runs per game last year with just over 5. Moral of the story--there is no way in hell the Reds will average 6 runs a game this year. If we are lucky, 4.6 runs/game, my final offer. Oh, and you're a dumbass.

Poll Results: George Grande, Pucker Man

2009-03-02T13:30:00.007-07:00

Red Scare readers have spoken. If George Grande were to do promotional work as a side, he would most likely sponsor a fictional invention known as the Ass-Kisser 4000, which not only kisses ass and kisses ass hard, but also cleans as it works, a non-feature of the three previous models.

According to the poll, if not the Ass-Kisser 4000, then Grande would be featuring another analcentric product--rectal exams. To be clear, Grande would not take direct part in the exam (that would be Chris Welsh--they don't call him the crafty left-hander for nothing).

If not for rectal exams, Grande would take Wolford Brimley's place as spokesman for diabetes, or as we have come to know, "Diabeetis." Watch The Price is Right and wait for a commercial break to understand this reference.

How Many Wins This Year? (feat. the 2000 Cincinnati Reds and T-Pain)

2009-03-01T20:05:00.012-07:00

The last winning Reds season was 2000 when we finished 85-77, good for 2nd in the division, still ten wins behind the pennant-winning Cardinals. That was Griff's first year. My, how things change.

National League Ranks

5th in total runs (825)

4th in batting average (.274)

5th in home runs (200)

6th in OPS+ (103)

5th in ERA (4.33)

T-4th in ERA+ (109)

The pitching staff featured starters Steve Parris, Rob Bell, Ron Villone, Pete Harnisch, Denny Neagle, Osvaldo Fernandez, Elmer Dessens and relievers Danny Graves, Scott Sullivan and Scott Williamson. The offense featured Benito Santiago, Pokey Reese, Barry Larkin, Aaron Boone, Dmitri Young, Ken Griffey Jr., Dante Bichette, Chris Stynes, Michael Tucker and Alex Ochoa, all of whom finished with an OPS+ over 100 for the exception of Santiago and Reese.

The 2008 team finished 74-88, 5th in the division.

National League Ranks

12th in total runs (704)
16th in batting average (.247)

4th in home runs (187)

14th in OPS+ (93)

13th in ERA (4.55)

9th in ERA+ (99)

The 2009 pitching staff is in position to be better than the 2000 squad. I still have a hard time believing we finished at 85 wins with a 1. Steve Parris 2. Rob Bell 3. Ron Villone rotation for most of the year. If the 2009 staff can pitch to potential and become a Top-5 staff in the NL, as was the 2000 staff (still not sure how that happened), then we have a chance at 85 wins. Holding us back will be a young, developing offense. For 85 wins to occur, many of our hitters will need career years or breakout years or not-bad years.

Starting with 74 wins, let's do some math...

Not having Josh Fogg = +3 wins

Not having Matt Belisle = +1 win

Not having 2008 Homer Bailey = +1 win

Johnny Cueto a year older = +2 wins

Aaron Harang not smoking crack = +2 wins

Not having Adam Dunn = -1 win

366 Taveras ABs over 366 Patterson ABs = +1 win

Offensive improvement from Phillips, Encarnacion, Votto and Bruce = +5 wins

The bullpen not topping last years performance= -2 wins

Best case scenario: 86 wins, 2nd in the division, Wildcard!!!

Worst case scenario: 76 wins, 5th in the division, Two of diamonds

My scenario: 81 wins, 3rd in the division, Queen of hearts

And now.........T-Pain

25-Man Roster Prediction

2009-02-26T15:25:00.007-07:00

Players in bold are my blanket picks.

Starters

Aaron Harang
Edinson Volquez

Bronson Arroyo

Johnny Cueto

x-Micah Owings

Relievers

Francisco Cordero

Jared Burton

Bill Bray

Mike Lincoln

Arthur Rhodes

David Weathers

Catchers

Ramon Hernandez

x-Ryan Hanigan

Infielders

Joey Votto

Brandon Phillips

Alex Gonzalez

Edwin Encarnacion

Jeff Keppinger

x-Darryl Ward

Outfielders

Jay Bruce

Willy Taveras

Chris Dickerson

Jerry Hairston Jr.

x-Little Norris Hopper

x-Jonny Gomes

Micah Owings gets the nod above all the other 5th starter candidates, including Homer Bailey, for three reasons:

1. He has ample big league experience regardless of how craptastic his line is.

2. He is one of the best hitting pitchers in baseball, a la Zambrano, and will be used as a pinch hitter.

3. He is the only one of the three D-Backs that came over in the Dunn trade who has a legit shot at making the team this year. The Reds want to prove they got something from the deal other than cap space.

Ryan Hanigan, who has zero power, will be our backup catcher simply because there is no one else and because he had a cup of coffee at the end of last year and managed not to embarrass himself. Maybe down the road Ryan can help usher in a newer model of the Three-Headed Suck Monster.

This is where things get a little sticky. Because Jerry Hairston Jr. can platoon in the infield as well as the outfield, he and Jeff Keppinger will be the reserve infielders, both able to play third, short and second. Darryl Ward will take the final infield spot to backup Joey Votto at first and also provide a power bat and veteran pinch hitting option off the bench.

This leaves two reserve outfield spots for about ten players. Little Norris Hopper needs to be one of these players, as a backup to Taveras in center and a sacrificial lamb with speed off the bench. The other needs to have a big bat and must be willing to charge the mound when things get testy. Enter Jonny Gomes.

Spring Training is Here (Take Your Shirt Off and Wave it Around Your Head Like a Helicopter edition)

2009-02-25T20:53:00.009-07:00

1. After a 7-0 hosing of the AL Champion Tampa Bay Rays, I was highly entertained reading the Reds message boards on Reds.com and Cincinnati.com. After nine innings of Spring Training baseball, all those preseason predictions were reaffirmed. In short, we're going to the World Series!!!

One of my favorites from Reds.com...
"I was encouraged over one key stat on offense too. Only 5 strikeouts!!!!!!!!!!!! Again, I know this is only one game, but we have players who can make contact now, instead of swinging for the fences and missing most of the time! I hope too that this new trend continues! I'm looking forward to this year's ball club! I think we will be a lot of fun and will even surprise some Reds fans!"

Nine innings of a Spring Training game, and what do you know, SMALL BALL has arrived. And considering that 6 of our 7 runs came on homers, it's fairly clear this guy has a red Kool-aid mustache and no baseball friends. If the Reds would have lost today and struck out 13 times, the quote would have gone...
"It's okay that we struck out a lot today. It's only the first game of Spring Training. Everyone is going to be a little rusty. Oh, and also, if anybody on the message board wants to meet for lunch at LaRosa's tomorrow, call me 1-800-IMAKEPOOROBSERVATIONS."

2. You will not find recycled game recaps from Spring Training on The Red Scare. You will also not find microanalyzation of Spring Training box scores either as to the tune of the following example...

"Holy Smokes, Homer Bailey sure threw well today, retiring the side in the seventh. Insert speculative sentence that starts with, "I know this was only one game but..." Insert speculative sentence about how the Reds might use Homer out of the bullpen to start the season. Insert speculative sentence about how Homer has more to prove than anyone this spring. Insert speculative sentence questioning where Homer will start the year. Insert speculative sentence about you're own speculation. Finish paragraph with a sentence that ends, "...but that depends on what Dusty does."

I think that Spring Training speculation is tiresome and repititious. In short, I think roster spots are generally predetermined. If Homer Bailey throws 18 innings of shutout ball in Spring Training, I still don't care. If Brandon Phillips goes 0-56 in Spring Training, he will still start on Opening Day. If Laynce Nix goes 23-56 in Spring Training, he might not make the team.

3. Batting Brandon Phillips cleanup is quite possibly the most absurd thing I've ever heard, almost as baffling as when they batted Adam Dunn second. With a slew of left-handed power hitters over the last five years, the Reds have become obsessed with seperating the lefties and batting an alternate left-right-left-right order. Lineup construction these days is very similar to a children's game of follow the pattern. This is what the batting order should be, ignoring a million other scenarios-

1. Taveras
2. Dickerson/Hairston
3. Bruce
4. Votto
5. Phillips
6. Encarnacion
7. Gonzalez
8. Hernandez
9. Pitcher

My lineup puts three lefties in a row (Dickerson, Bruce, Votto), a mortal sin. But here's what makes it okay. Joey Votto is a .289 career hitter against lefties. He hits them almost as effectively as he hits righties. Votto is nearly a better hitter against his own side than the right-handed Brandon Phillips (career .294 BA against LHP). This makes the lefty-righty pattern obsolete. Brandon is not a cleanup hitter. Brandon is not a cleanup hitter. Brandon is not a cleanup hitter. This is clear. There is no justification. Brandon is not a cleanup hitter. If you think Brandon makes a good cleanup hitter, stop watching baseball.

Get Lost in the Taste of Crap Star Chili

2009-02-18T22:25:00.003-07:00

Hello, God? Are you up there? Well, if so, it's me Jerome from The Red Scare. I know I don't talk to you as much as I should. I'll admit, it got a little weird after the communion thing in fourth grade. I was confused and needed to step away for a while. Anyway, I'm back now and I have one favor to ask. Can you please not let Gold Star Chili hold the Fox Sports Ohio marketing department hostage for the entire length of the 2009 season. I don't think I can get lost in the f***ing taste any longer. Last season, I got so lost in the taste, I became numb to the taste and considered taking a semi-automatic weapon into the chili chain to really, truly, get some people lost in the taste.

To make things clear, if I see the commercial below just one time between innings of a Reds game during 2009, bad things will happen.

This one also...

Mike Schmidt is a Level-Headed Son of a Gun

2009-02-18T21:47:00.005-07:00

Copied below is a recent ESPN article in which Jason Stark interviews Hall of Fame Philly Mike Schmidt on the A-Roid saga. I like Mike Schmidt.

CLEARWATER, Fla. -- Mike Schmidt knows he isn't speaking for all living Hall of Fame players, but if Alex Rodriguez joins their club someday, Schmidt said he would welcome him to the fraternity.

"Would I welcome him? Yeah, I will -- if he got elected to the Hall of Fame," Schmidt said Wednesday after he checked into the Philadelphia Phillies' spring training camp as a special instructor.

Schmidt was elected to the Hall in 1995 with 96.5 percent of the vote, the third-highest percentage at the time -- behind Ty Cobb and Hank Aaron -- of any Hall of Fame position player. Asked why he wouldn't have qualms about accepting an admitted user of performance-enhancing drugs as a fellow Hall of Famer, Schmidt said he sees both sides of this issue.

"I'm a guy, I always seem to be walking right on top of, right down the middle of the fence," he said. "I can understand the old hard-line guys who use the words, 'He cheated, he cheated, he cheated.' And [I understand] the other guys that go, 'It was a culture thing back then, and if you played, you'd have been tempted, too.'"

In fact, when Schmidt was asked directly if he thought he'd have gotten caught up in trying performance-enhancing drugs had they been part of his era, he answered: "Most likely. Why not?"

"A term that I think has been overused a lot, especially by Alex, is 'culture' -- culture of the era he played in," Schmidt said. "We had a culture when I played. There was a culture in the era when Babe Ruth played. And in the '60s, there was a culture. It's just that way in life. And apparently -- I wasn't involved, but from hearing everybody -- that was the culture of the '90s and the early 2000s. The temptation had to be tremendous to the young men playing major league baseball back then."

If steroids were prevalent in his era, Mike Schmidt said he most likely would have been tempted to use them.

But when he was asked if he thought that being "young and stupid" was an acceptable explanation for what A-Rod did, Schmidt said: "Young and stupid may be better [when you're] 12, 13, 14, as opposed to 23, 4, 5 and 6."

Schmidt has said in the past he identifies with Rodriguez as a guy who has had trouble at times conquering the mental side of the game. So it's not surprising that Schmidt feels as though, for a man in the middle of a firestorm, Rodriguez "has handled it very well -- the best you can do at damage control, I guess."

"I think he's doing the best he can do, based upon who he is and the town he plays in and the pressure he's under," Schmidt said. "He's got two choices -- face it or hide from it. And I don't think there's any in-between. We've seen some of the guys who have hidden from it, and how their lives have changed. And I think facing it head-on is the best way for someone like Alex."

Schmidt admitted he has been riveted by this story as much as anyone, saying, "As a fan sitting back, I kind of feed on it, too." But he said he wasn't particularly interested in second-guessing A-Rod's quotes or sound bites.

"I look more at the psychological side of it," he said. "That's what's interesting -- how sports fans choose their heroes, how we as a human race choose our heroes, how our heroes always seem to let us down. You know, when you pick a sports hero, he at some point lets you down. ...

"My take on the whole thing is, rather than having an Alex Rodriguez as your hero, or a Roger Clemens as your hero, how about someone fighting in the war in Iraq, or a heart surgeon, or Barack Obama. Why not focus more on people who really matter in this world?"

Random Musings on Defense, Speed and Pitching

2009-02-17T21:39:00.009-07:00

1. Defense, speed and pitching. That's how we're going to win this year. You've heard it from Bob Castenelli. You've heard it from Walt Jocketty. You've heard it from Dusty. And you've heard it from all the fans drinking the red Kool-aid. That's fine. Every year there are new reasons to be excited, and how can you not be a little excited for another season of Reds baseball on the horizon.

2. So we couldn't win during the long ball era. I guess we should blame that on Adam Dunn and Ken Griffey Jr., and not on starting pitchers Matt Belisle, Eric Milton, Elizardo Ramirez, Brandon Claussen, Ramon Ortiz, Luke Hudson, Paul Wilson, Jose Acevedo, Cory Lidle, Todd Van Poppel, Ryan Dempster (when he sucked), Jimmy Haynes, Chris Rietsma, Lance Davis, Osvaldo Fernandez and the various management teams who acquired these players.

3. Ryan Howard's 2008 line: .251/.339/.543, 12.7 ABs/HR, 3.07 ABs/SO

Adam Dunn's 2008 line: .236/.386/.513, 12.9 ABs/HR, 3.15 ABs/SO

Ryan Howard finishes 2nd in MVP voting and his team wins the World Series. Adam Dunn is shown the door, traded to Arizona for potential 5th starter Micah Owings.

Point: It helps to be surrounded by good players.

4. Similar batters comparable to Adam Dunn through age 28 as compiled by Baseball Reference: Darryl Strawberry, Jose Canseco, Harmon Killebrew, Rocky Colavito, Reggie Jackson, Troy Glaus, Roger Maris.

Similar batters comparable to Chris Dickerson/Jerry Hairston Jr./Jonny Gomes: who cares.

Point: I would sacrifice some defense to have a lumber bat in the current Reds lineup. The World Champion Phillies surrounded Howard with good hitters and speed. If the Reds had kept Adam Dunn, they could have formed a similar balance, but instead, we released him just as all the pieces were starting to fall in place.

5. Often in baseball, the term "defense, pitching and speed" is masked language for "we're kinda poor."

Poll Results: There is Nothing More Embarrassing than Owning This

2009-02-13T11:24:00.008-07:00

Red Scare readers have spoken. Apparently, there is nothing more embarrassing then getting Matt Belisle's autograph. Getting the signage of this ex-Red is, according to readers, more embarrassing than spitalling into someone's eye, being too short for the amusement park ride, or tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp. Ouch.

Spittaling in someone's eye happens to the best of us. You are talking excitedly with a co-worker, possibly someone you are attracted to, and before you know it, you have catapulted a small globule of saliva from your mouth, bullet speed, onto their eyeball. They cock their head and blink a few times, taking a few moments to understand the situation, and you stay quiet and pretend like nothing happened. This, however, is not as embarrassing as getting John Hancock de Belisle.

Being too short for the amusement park ride is always embarrassing, especially if you're 38 years old, but not as embarrassing as inking Belisle's name when others can see you.

A fourth of the voters suggested that tearing your hamstring at Reds Fantasy Camp was more embarrassing than getting Belisle'd. Just imagine it. You stroke a lobbed pitch from Dick Pole into the right field gap. Then, running to first, almost like predetermination, you know you're stretching it into two. You round first hard and take a wide turn, and then, it happens. You put too much pressure on your pivot leg, which hasn't had this type of workout since you cut the no-man's grass between you and your asshole neighbor's yard, and you shriek in pain and go down clutching your hammy. Even this scene, however, is not as embarrassing as getting an autograph from Matthew Belisle.

Roy Oswalt is Most Likely on Steroids

2009-02-12T16:34:00.006-07:00

Roy Oswalt voiced his hatred of Alex Rodriguez and other steroid users today. Here are some quotes taken from the mlb.com interview.

"A-Rod's numbers shouldn't count for anything. I feel like he cheated me out of the game."

"It does bother me. Especially for the guys that went out there and did it on talent. We're always going to have a cloud on us, and that's not fair."

"The ones that have come out and admitted it, and are proven guilty, [their numbers] should not count. I've been cheated out of the game," Oswalt continued. "This is my ninth year, and I've done nothing to enhance my performance, other than work my butt off to get guys out. These guys [who took PEDs] have all the talent in the world. All-Star talent. And they put times two on it.

"I'm going out there with the ability God gave me. They have that ability, too, and they're putting something on top of it."

As a Ranger, Rodriguez was 3-for-5 vs. Oswalt with two doubles, one home run, three RBIs and two walks. Last year, as a Yankee, Rodriguez was hitless in two at-bats against Oswalt. ~mlb.com.

"The few times we played them, when he got hits, it could have cost me a game," Oswalt said. "It could have cost me money in my contract. He cheated me out of the game and I take it personally, because I've never done [PEDs], haven't done it, and they're cheating me out of the game."

It is also mentioned in the article that Roy is willing to give former teammate Roger Clemens the benefit of the doubt because many details surrounding the case are "suspicious."

I can understand why you're a bit irked Roy, but let's just calm down for a second. I can't imagine how upset you're going to be when they release the names of the other 103 players that tested positive for illegal substances in 2003, many of them surely your teammates and friends, and who knows, maybe even you or you're children. Be careful Roy. We're watching you.

One thing is certain. You have earned the nickname the Hillbilly from The Red Scare for saying the phrase, "The guys [who took PEDs] have all the talent in the world. All-Star talent. And they put times two on it." Truly awesome. And just to clarify, if Alex Rodriguez really "put times two" on his talent, he should've hit at least 80 HRs a year from 2001-2003.

Reds.comments: Bless Their Hearts

2009-02-11T12:56:00.011-07:00

EDITOR'S NOTE

This will be a reoccurring segment on The Red Scare where we analyze certain fan comments posted under news articles and press releases from Reds.com, the official propaganda machine of the Cincinnati Reds.

On signing an outfielder

"Why Griffey Jr.? Did you see him play the past 8/9 years? He can't catch up to a 92 mph heater anymore. Walt has done an excellent job in the offseason acquiring players that make financial and team chemistry sense. Speed, defense, and pitching win games this days. Hernandez, Taveras, and Gomes were big acquistions this offseason. Remember when the Reds gave Cantu a chance two years ago? Can't wait for the season to start. GO REDS!!!!!!"

We won't go into the unfortunate injuries that have plagued Junior and how that has affected his play. But for the right price (which will not be that much) I wouldn't mind Junior off the bench. According to you, Walt has done "an excellent job" this offseason and "Hernandez, Taveras and Gomes were big acquisitions." Wow, you're easily impressed. You see, I would consider players like Bobby Abreu, Mark Teixiera and Milton Bradley as "big acquisitions." Keep drinking the water.

On the starting left fielder

"You have to start hairston, anyone can come up and hit 300 6 hrs and 15 rbi in the last 31 games of the season when no one is trying and a bunch of triple and double A cats are pitching. Hairston is faster than dickerson, will hit for a better avg, steal more bases and just be more of an asset to the team out in left. dont get me wrong i like dickerson but i think he has to prove himself in spring training to even be considered for the job."

I agree that Dickerson needs to prove himself, but give the guy some credit for putting up those numbers at the end of last year. You need to take your love affair with Jerry Hairston Jr. down a notch. He's a career .260/.330/.370 hitter who had a career year in his 11th season. Jerry is also linked to steroids in the Mitchell Report, but no one seems to give a crap because he's Jerry Hairston Jr. Give the young guy a chance to prove himself, not in Spring Training, but for the first month or two of the season. I think the idea of judging players by how they perform in Spring Training is silly. There are some fringe players that have incredible Spring Trainings and still don't make the squad and other players who make the squad after horrendous springs, which tells us that a majority of the roster spots are predetermined and involve money, not talent.

On not making any sense

"cincinasty got it right look at patterson last yr a baker buddy.last year had a lot to do with baker not the players when it comes to losing"

what?

Welcome: Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones (and still not Bobby Abreu)

2009-02-09T14:00:00.010-07:00

Playing time for Chris Dickerson/Jerry Hairston Jr./Jonny Gomes just got a bit tighter with the recent signings of veterans Darryl Ward and Jacque Jones to minor league contracts (and for those wondering, the text layered over the profile pics was done through a new computer software called Microsoft Paint, where you can graffiti over the top of image files).

While there is no guarantee that either will make the Opening Day roster, Ward will mostly likely fill the tubby void left by Javier Valentin, formerly of the Three-Headed Suck Monster. Ward, who has seen time at first base and in the outfield in 11 seasons, is primarily a pinch hitter, which is a fancy way of saying Darryl isn't good enough to play defense and shouldn't be allowed to have 3-4 ABs a game. It's always hard to judge a pinch hitter's numbers because the sample size is miniscule and they are forever swinging cold, so a career .263/.320/.447 could be worse (see Javier Valentin). Darryl is aware of the enemy. He's played with Chicago, Houston and Pittsburgh.

When the Reds signed Jonny Gomes to a minor league contract a few weeks ago, fans were generally accepting of this move, mostly because it served as outfield insurance if Chris Dickerson didn't develop/Jerry Hairston Jr. returned to his normal self/Lance Nix played to expectations and sucked. Now with Jones competing for an outfield spot, the annual revolving door in the grass that Reds fans have become accustomed to is now complete (see 2008--Griffey, Dunn, Patterson, Hopper, Bruce, Freel, Hairston, Dickerson). Jones, in his 11th season, owns three worthy seasons (2002, 2003 and 2006).

There are those who will say, "The more players we have competing for the outfield job, the better." I disagree. This is only putting added pressure on Chris Dickerson. As soon as he slumps, they're going to replace him and I'm not sure this is a good thing. If there are too many players trying out in left, we'll never have any consistency in the order. Man, I sure wouldn't mind having Bobby Abreu for a year around $3 million. With Abreu, we possibly make a run at the Wild Card.

Edinson Volquez: It's Hard Out There for a Pimp

2009-02-05T13:05:00.008-07:00

EDITOR'S NOTE
**The music video promo that showcases Dominican rapper Maceo in a car with Edinson Volquez and a gun has been removed, probably by Major League Baseball. So I've posted the actually video. If you squint, you can spot Edinson around 3:05, waving Benjamins in the air like he just don't care. Pretty hilarious.

Hilarious sidenote: Reds.com, the official propaganda machine of the Reds, buried the Edinson/gun story under two articles written before it. Hmm.

Marty Brennamen vs. Cubs Nation (Lonely Hearts Club)

2009-02-04T21:47:00.004-07:00

Adam Dunn hits a homer at Wrigley and the following occurs (must have sound for this one)...

And the response from the Cubs (video begins after half-naked woman clip. Don't ask).

Please do this man a favor and leave him a message on his wall describing to him what it's like to touch a woman (or if you're a woman, a detailed list of why he will never touch you). It's myspace.com/bennydallasjr. Apparently he's a rapper too. I'm not sure how this gets much better.

Ranks: NL Central Second Basemen

2009-02-04T21:03:00.005-07:00

1. Brandon Phillips, 28--CIN
2. Kaz Matsui, 33--HOU
3. Rickie Weeks, 26--MIL
4. Freddy Sanchez, 31--PIT
5. Mike Fontinot, 29--CHI
6. Aaron Miles, 33--CHI
7. Adam Kennedy, 33--STL

Brandon Phillips is number one. No questions here. It's a combination of two things really:
1.) He has speed, power, glove, youth and a winning smile.
2.) The others are essentially trade bait. They've all had a good season or two (except for Kennedy and Miles who are just terrible) which gives them each more value than a minor leaguer. Matsui looks more promising every year but keeps getting older and older. Weeks is the exact opposite (yes, he gets younger and younger). Sanchez plays for Pittsburgh which means he is incapable of amounting to anything for the rest of his life. Mike Fontinot had a year similar to Jeff Keppinger in 2007 but he still finds himself behind Aaron Miles on the Cubs depth chart, probably because he can only move two feet laterally to each side (life = cruel).

I was a bit harsh on Phillips in my scouting report, but my cell phone wasn't charged and I let my Cheerios get soggy that morning. I still think he swings too hard and doesn't get on base enough, but one can only be so perfect. Even if Brandon never does the 30/30 thing again, I'll be fine as long as he brings the D, gets OB and cuts the Ks. It's tough for NL second basemen these days. They seem to be dying off (Kent,...and...Kent). There's Mr. Utley, and who else? Dan Uggla, Kelly Johnson, Orlando Hudson? I guess it's Brandon Phillips.

Ranks: NL Central First Basemen

2009-02-01T13:33:00.008-07:00

1. The Destroyer of All Things Spherical, 29--STL
2. Lance Berkman, 33--HOU
3. Prince Fielder, 25--MIL
4. Joey Votto, 25--CIN
5. Derrek Lee, 33--CHI
6. Adam LaRoche, 29--PIT

If you're a Reds fan, this list is rather depressing. The NL Central has a stranglehold on the rest of baseball with first base talent. Joey Votto really gets shafted here, and I was generous not to put Derrek Lee ahead of him as many others would.

There is no easier rank in baseball than placing Albert Pujols 1st on this list. Abolutely terrifying is the fact that Albert is coming off his best season (.357/.462/.653). He eats Lance Berkman's for breakfast, and Lance Berkman is amazing, a steady lock in the two spot. Did you know that Lance stole 18 bases last year and was only caught 4 times? That's 14 true stolen bases for someone with the nicknames Big Puma and Fat Elvis. Brandon Phillips only had 13 true stolen bases last year. Ouchies! If Lance can do it, so can you Joey Votto, Edwin Encarnacion and Alex Gonzalez.

Prince Fielder is 3rd, even though Joey's rookie numbers matched Prince's last year. They are the same age, but Prince has a 50 HR season under his double-sized belt. Derrek Lee, 5th on this list, was one of the more underrated players in the game until he went nuts in 2005 (.335/.418/.662). While he hasn't matched that production since, he is getting more recognition now, as his numbers begin to sag. Even Adam LaRoche, the last man on the list, has a career 114 OPS+. Damn Gina!

Joey Votto is not a defensive rock like Pujols or Lee, but he will get great practice as long as Edwin mans the hot corner. Joey might only be the 4th best first basemen in the NL Central, but he's probably 6th-8th in the NL right now--and he's just getting started. Joey will never put up Albert numbers and it would be unfair to expect Berkman numbers, but we can expect him to outperform Fielder and Lee this year. After all, he is our big bat.

Scouting Report: Alex Gonzalez, Who Does Exist

2009-02-01T12:08:00.007-07:00

Offense:
Did you know that Alex Gonzalez has finished with an OPS+ below the league average in all 10 seasons? His best offensive stint occurred in 2007, his first year with the Reds, when he hit .272/.325/.468 with a 99 OPS+ in about two-thirds of a season. This was phenomenal for Alex compared to his career averages (.248/.295/.399 and an 80 OPS+). Because Alex is not a power hitter (106 HRs in 4,002 ABs) there is no reason why he strikes out as often as he does, every 4.9 ABs. Alex seems to have Brandon Phillips syndrome--he swings about three times too hard.

Defense:
Alex has more range than No Country For Old Men. If it's hit between second and third you can bet your bippy Alex is going to at least attempt to make a play. This might be why his career fielding percentage is under the league average for shortstops--he doesn't know when to eat it. If Alex backhands a Juan Pierre grounder deep in the hole and Juan has already crossed first base, there's a good chance Alex will still throw the ball. And there's a good chance that ball will go over Joey Votto's head and five runners will score because Bronson Arroyo is pitching and only Bronson Arroyo can have an inning that bad.

Overall:
There's no denying Alex's sexiness. When he successfully makes that play in the hole against Juan Pierre, there is not much else to do but fall out of your chair with the giggles. And when he follows that next inning with a solo shot into the left field bleachers, there is not much else to do but die. But like with any sexy person, it's easy to get caught up in the image. Numbers don't lie.

STAT WATCH: Alex needs to stop swinging and missing. 4.9 ABs/SO is not good for a Punch-and-Judy hitter. If he can cut it to 7 ABs/SO we will observe a pleasant rise in his offensive numbers. It will be hard to watch a .250-hitting Alex get the nod ahead of Jeff Keppinger, who will hit at least .300 if healthy. If Alex can hit .285, which he's never done, I'll be happy. This is another way of saying I probably won't be happy. In this blogger's humble opinion, shortstop should be Keppinger's to lose.

Poll Results: Hatred of Corey Patterson Still Lingers

2009-01-31T18:01:00.008-07:00

Red Scare readers have spoken. They would rather have John Stamos as the Reds starting center fielder than Corey Patterson. Also finishing ahead of Corey Patterson in voting: Mark Wahlberg as Max Payne and a bowl of black licorice. Stamos is best known for TV roles in General Hospital, Full House and ER.

Patterson, who quickly grew out of favor with Reds fans in 2008 after reoccurring dismal performances, was unable to garner enough support to beat out even a bowl of black licorice, one of the most awful candies in the world. This is also embarrasing when considering that a bowl of black licorice does not have human parts, meaning it will never be able to swing a bat, chase down a fly ball, or for that matter, catch it.

Max Payne, starring a lackluster Mark Wahlberg, was one of the most critically panned movies of 2008. Wahlberg did not have much steam coming into Payne after giving one of the worst on-screen performances in the history of cinema in M. Night Shyamalan's The Happening earlier in the year. He was good enough, however, to beat out Corey Patterson.

Josh Hamilton's Love Affair with God, and also the Baby Jesus

2009-01-30T22:40:00.008-07:00

"How am I here? I can only shrug and say, 'It's a God thing.' It's the only possible explanation."

"It's amazing that God allowed me to keep my baseball talents after I sat out three years and played only 15 games last season in A-ball."

"I get cravings sometimes, and I see it as the devil trying to catch me in a weak moment."

"And on this particular night, a little boy of about 9 or 10, wearing a Reds cap, handed me a pen and something to sign. Nothing unusual there, but as I was writing the boy said, 'Josh, you're my savior.' This stopped me. I looked at him and said, 'Well, thank you. Do you know who my savior is?' He thought for a minute. I could see the gears turning. Finally, he smiled and blurted out, 'Jesus Christ.' He said it like he'd just come up with the answer to a test. 'That's exactly right,' I said."

"I was completely desperate for God. For the first time in my life, I was just desperate for Him. I needed Him. I needed every bit of Him I could get. There was nothing in me that could get me through that time. I would be in my car praying for him, and it was just like I could feel God right there with me just bringing me so much peace and joy in the midst of a complete disaster."

"People think there are coincidences in life. There are no coincidences when God’s got a plan. It’s nothing I did except try to make the right choices and let God take over from there. There’s one solid and permanent way out of it, and that’s finding the Lord Jesus Christ and accepting Him."

Article from Great Christian Life: God uses Josh Hamilton to display His love and glory.

That will be all for now, but rest assured, Willy Taveras is giving this whole prayer thing a second thought.

Just thought of one last thing--how ironic would that be if Edinson Volquez was an atheist?

Ranks: NL Central Catchers

2009-01-29T20:17:00.008-07:00

1. Geovany Soto, 26--CHI
2. Yadier Molina, 26--STL
3. Ryan Doumit, 28--PIT
4. Ramon Hernandez, 33--CIN
5. Jason Kendall, 35--MIL
6. Humberto Quintero, 29--HOU

As much as I hate to admit it, the Reds are slightly better with Ramon Hernandez than the Three-Headed Suck Monster, but that doesn't mean Ramon should earn $8 million this year. Judging by his numbers, he was only about a $500,000 upgrade. And even if you were a fan of the pick-up, he is only the 4th best catcher in the NL. Geovany Soto is coming off a 2008 ROY campaign where he hit .285/.364/.504 and established himself as a solid defense catcher. Yadier Molina won his first of many gold gloves (career 47.8% caught stealing) and has improved offensively each of the last three seasons. Ryan Doumit, in his first full year, batted .318/.357/.501 and finished with a 128 OPS+, tied for 7th in the Central with Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder and Aramis Ramirez. If he puts up similar numbers this year, I'll consider moving him ahead of Molina (I swear to God I'll do it).

So there you go. Ramon Hernandez is 4th, at best. And that's just in his division. He's coming off his worst year throwing out runners (19.5%) and he ain't gettin' much younger. From 2003-2006, Ramon put together a string of above average offensive years, made more valuable considering his position. But now, after two years of subpar numbers and growing wrinkles under his eyes, it's time for Ramon to prove himself to a new city. Sure, he's better than Jason Kendall, who still brings the huss and leadership bless his heart, and he outranks Humberto Quintero, who will probably never be mentioned in this blog ever again unless the sentence reads, "Edinson Volquez struck out Humberto Quintero four times last night," but the Reds are going to need at least an average offensive year from Ramon if they want to compete in the division.

Scouting Report: Joey "I Challenge You to Say Something Bad About Me" Votto

2009-01-27T13:25:00.008-07:00

Offense:
The following sentence shouldn't be a surprising. Within three years, Joey Votto will be considered one of the best hitters in the National League. Votto finished second in 2008 ROY voting behind Geovany Soto of the Cubs. He batted .297/.368/.506 in 526 ABs and had a season eerily similar to 24-year-old Todd Helton, who also finished second in ROY voting, behind Kerry Wood of those damned Cubs. There really isn't anything bad to say about Joey, who often wonders how your mother is doing. Joey has a presence in the batter's box. He looks like a hitter. Even when he strikes out, damn, it looks so sugar sweet. He hit 3 home runs in one game off three different Cubs pitchers, which begs the question why he didn't do that home run thing more often last year.

Defense:
Joey, who is never sure if you're talking to him, had some minor issues with the glove in 2008 but owns a career .992 fielding percentage, which is the NL average for first basemen. And considering Joey was fielding throws from Edwin, Kepp and Jerry Jr. all year, the number is even more remarkable.

Overall:
Joey, who always leaves early because he has a thing, is and will be the Red meat for many years to come, or until he's eligible for free agency in five years. That still gives him ample time to grow into a perennial All-Star, but for that to happen, Albert Pujols and Lance Berkman will first have to die off. Oh, and Prince Fielder too (and that's just the NL Central). Joey is part of a cluster of Canadians in the bigs, along with Jason Bay and Justin Morneau, who he should grow to resemble in numbers and demeanor, which is really, really exciting.

STAT WATCH: It's up to the other Reds if they win or not this year because Joey is going to put up very good numbers. He will lead the team in HRs, RBIs, meatball eating, OBP, SLG, and maybe even BA. This is not so much a prediction as it is a guarantee, unless Jay or Edwin busts through the ceiling, which I would be completely for also.

R.I.P. Josh Fogg

2009-01-25T11:54:00.004-07:00

Josh Fogg

(2007-2008)

"If you need someone

to lose the game for you

I am certainly

up to the challenge."

In 2007, Josh earned the nickname "Dragon Slayer" from his Colorado Rockies teammates after pitching a stretch of games outdueling the likes of Brandon Webb, Curt Schilling, etc. This was most likely an example of Rockies players trying to lift Josh's spirits after roughly 948 innings of getting the shit knocked out of him.

Josh brought his 72-mph fastball to Cincinnati in 2008, along with a career 4.90 ERA and a Joker smile. When most didn't think it possible for Josh to pitch worse, he shocked the world and gave the Reds 78.3 innings of 7.58 ERA baseball (a superb ERA for wiffle ball). The farthest he made it into a game was 6 innings. He surely contemplated pitching underhand once or twice, just to see.

STAT WATCH: The Dragon Slayer is currently unsigned. Imagine that. Let's see if Josh ever pitches in a major league game again. If he does, it will give hope to Matt Belisle, which is sad and unfair.

Scouting Report: Aaron Harang (two posts down)

2009-01-23T10:40:00.001-07:00

I hate formatting.

Show Me the Money, '09!

2009-01-22T13:53:00.006-07:00

The official propaganda machine of the Cincinnati Reds, reds.com, released an article recently with some updated salary figures for the 2009 season. Among them, some changes from last year...

Francisco Cordero is taking everyone out to dinner as the highest paid Red at $12 mil, roughly $171,000/inning.
Aaron Harang, coming off his worst Reds season, is rewarded with a few more millions. Why not!
Brandon Phillips, fresh from laying a turd at home plate last season, will get nearly double with $4.75 million (gotta love that Gold Glove bonus!).
Alex Gonzalez continues to kkkkkiiiiiillllllllllllllll us.
Bronson Arroyo now almost makes $10 million a year, not including his JTM advertising monopoly which is rumored at hundreds of dollars.
Matt Belisle still has not received his paychecks from the last four years of his service.

Scouting Report: The Harangatang

2009-01-21T14:55:00.016-07:00

In 2003, the Reds traded Jose Guillen to Oakland for Aaron Harang and a couple no names. At that juncture, the Reds were giving away one of their best young hitters in the middle of a breakout season for an unproven arm with a high ERA. Though at the time the deal seemed like a classic Reds manuever, trading away a good player in an effort to avoid paying the good player and in return recieveing a cluster of hopefuls, the deal miraculously worked. Flash forward five years--Jose is now a professional nutball who plagues every locker room he manifests and Aaron is a consummate leader and workhorse starting pitcher. Speaking of nutballs, the trade was made two days after Jim Bowden was canned. Why doesn't this surprise me?

Aaron Harang is a large man. He stands 6'7" and weighs 240 lbs. He will bend down to shake your tiny little hand. He will not, however, wear his emotions on his sleeve. A good example of this came last season when he went 6-17 with a 4.78 ERA and did not lose his shit even once. Many of us wish that Aaron didn't have a heart of gold (see Aaron's Aces), that he would lose his shit once in a while, I don't know, say August 16th, 2008 at home against those ass-sniffing St. Louis Cardinals when he surrendered 8 ER in 3.1 innings, including home runs by Ludwick, Schumaker and the destroyer of all things spherical, Mr. Pujols. Couldn't Aaron have at least thrown a glove or kicked the Gatorade cooler? How about intentionally throwing at the next batter, Rick Ankiel. Nobody likes that guy. Drill him right in the back, have him charge the mound, and then pick him up with one hand and bite his head off. We can assume that Aaron has freakish monster strength.

Last year was not Aaron's best year, his worst since his first full season with the Reds in 2004. From 2005-2007, he unassumingly built his reputation as one of the most consistently good pitchers in the NL. In 2007 he finished 4th in Cy Young voting despite leading the league in Wins and SOs, becoming the first pitcher ever not to win the award after leading the league in those two categories. Sad face.

STAT WATCH: The Harangatang will most likely be our opening day starter. He's #1, which means he needs to pitch like #1. The #1's on most other winning teams are lights out, shut the door, have a nice ride home. Aaron needs to be one of those guys. As I've said before, even in his good years, his ERA is still rather high (3.83, 3.76, 3.73). I'm not splitting hairs here. It's just, if he's our #1, it needs to be lower than that. Aaron needs to log 200 innings of 3.25 ERA baseball for the Reds to contend in the NL Central this year.

Where Does the Money Go?

2009-01-20T17:13:00.007-07:00

At the end of MLB fiscal year 2008, the Reds ranked 18th in payroll just above $74 million, fifth among NL Central teams. Here is how they spent the money (numbers rounded).

Adam Dunn--$13 mil
Francisco Cordero--$8.6 mil
Ken Griffey Jr.--$8.3 mil
Aaron Harang--$6.75 mil
Alex Gonzalez--$4.6 mil
Bronson Arroyo--$4.6 mil
David Weathers--$3.3 mil
Mike Stanton--$3 mil
Ryan Freel--$3 mil
Jeremy Affeldt--$3 mil
Brandon Phillips--$2.94 mil
David Ross--$2.53 mil
Scott Hatteberg--$1.85 mil
Josh Fogg--$1.5 mil
Javier Valentin--$1.35 mil
Matt Belisle--$1.25 mil
Juan Castro--$975 thou
Todd Coffee--$907 thou
Mike Lincoln--$550 thou
Edwin Encarnacion--$450 thou
Norris Hopper--$402 thou
Jeff Keppinger--$402 thou
Jared Burton--$395 thou
Edinson Volquez--$392 thou
Bobby Livingston--$392 thou

and those poor league minimum bastards...
Joey Votto--$390 thou
Johnny Cueto--$390 thou
Jay Bruce--$390 thou

Things to notice...

Who the hell is responsible for giving Matt Belisle over a million dollars.
The Reds slashed 55% of their 2008 payroll. About 20% of that will go to Ramon "the most overpaid catcher in baseball" Hernandez in 2009.
Bobby Livingston, who spent all of 2008 in AAA, made more than Joey Votto, Johnny Cueto and Jay Bruce, and the same as Edinson Volquez.
Assuming the baby Reds (Edinson, Johnny, Jay, Joey) all grow up to be fantastic, the Reds are going to have a hell of a payday in 2011 when all are eligible for arbitration, and then in 2014 when all are eligible for free agency. If the Reds haven't flirted with the postseason by then, it will be fun to witness the dismantling of a team!
Matt Belisle is a millionaire. Shit.
Alex Gonzalez is kkkkkkiiiiiiiillllliiiiiinnnnggggg us.
Edwin is in arbitration right now and should become a millionaire in the near future, barring the Reds trick him into playing for free, which sadly might happen.
If you don't understand arbitration, MLB service time, free agency, Super Two players and why Jay Bruce wasn't called up sooner, you MUST read this article.

Welcome: Jonny "I Will Beat the Living Shit Out of You" Gomes

2009-01-20T11:11:00.002-07:00

The Reds have just signed RF Jonny Gomes, who will beat the living shit out of you, to a minor league contract and invited him to Spring Training. Jonny, a licensed physical therapist and survivor of a heart attack in 2002, will compete for a reserve role with the big team. He is a career .235/.329/.455 hitter in six injury-plagued seasons with the Rays. Jonny is one of those players that is too good a hitter for AAA but isn't consistent in the majors. He will, however, beat the living shit out of you if you cross him or his teammates.

For less than a million dollars, Jonny will be a good fit for the Reds. Assuming he is called up or makes the team, he gives the Reds a power bat off the bench, a Javier Valentin of sorts, but who can actually be considered a home run hitter. Even though he won't get many innings, Jonny will still bring much needed shit-beating ability to a team whose players would much rather watch Bridget Jones's Diary than Natural Born Killers.

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Jonny for much this year. How about 3 late-inning pinch hit dingers and 3 haymakers to any player in the NL Central (bonus points for Carlos Zambrano or Prince Fielder).

Scouting Report: The Great American Ball Player

2009-01-19T16:07:00.006-07:00

Offense:
In the first 12 games (46 ABs) of Jay's career, he batted .457/.554/.739 and was hastily elected into the Reds Hall of Fame--and why not, with his natural, smooth swing and the clean cut boyishness. Can't you hear all those guys you work with getting in your face about it. "They should have brought him up sooner, man. I told you. I knew it. I should be frickin GM." In the 96 games that followed, when Jay hit .229/.280/.417, eerily matching Corey Patterson's career numbers, those same guys you work with covered quickly and easily. "Man, you gotta give him more time to develop. He's so frickin young, which reminds me, you know who sucks--Corey Patterson."

Defense:
Bruce can play all three outfield positions but his range and arm are best suited for right field. Because Bruce is so young, he still gets angry when Coach Baker puts him in the outfield instead of pitcher or shortstop.

Overall:
Jay was the fifth youngest player in the NL last year, born in April 1987. This gives Jay a great excuse when he plays bad--it's like Edwin Encarnacion times 1,000. But if there's one thing we are taught when we are young , it's never to trust a person with two first names. I am slightly weary of Jay, not just because of the name thing, but mostly due to his resemblance of Austin Kearns. Austin was a 7th overall pick, Jay a 12th. Austin broke into the lineup at age 22, one year older than Jay. In Austin's first 13 games (37 ABs) he hit .432/.553/.676, but went on to finish the year with much better numbers than Jay did. They both have sweet swings. They are both above-average defenders. They were both marketed to shit by the Reds front office and the guys you work with before they ever played a game. They are both white and could fly away with their ears. The list goes on.

STAT WATCH: Sadly for Jay, he is expected to lead the Reds offensive calvary into battle this year. Most fans are absolutely sure Jay is a can't-miss future All-Star, but a few of us aren't sure if he can even be the next Austin Kearns. Did I mention in 413 ABs in his rookie year, he walked 33 times and whiffed 110. I know, I know, he'll get better. In order for the Reds to finish above .500, The Great American Ball Player needs to grow up fast and hit .310/.400/.550. This is a tall order. Realistically, Jay is going to hit .275/.345/.490, which still isn't bad for any 22-year-old not named Jay Bruce. Just to be clear--I'm pulling for Jay, I really am. I want him to be the next Josh Hamilton minus the smack and hookers.

R.I.P. Corey Patterson

2009-01-19T12:04:00.005-07:00

"Baseball America

and USA Today

1st Team All-American,

1998."

Corey Patterson was not very good at all.

STAT WATCH: Corey signed with the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals organization, where Cincinnati Reds players go to officially die. He was invited to Spring Training and will win the center field job on Opening Day, hit 55 HRs and bat .340/.450/.680. Let's keep track of how much better Willy Taveras is than Corey. You certainly can't get much worse.

Scouting Report: Edwin Encarnacion

2009-01-16T12:46:00.022-07:00

Offense:
Edwin is an enigma. For a string of weeks, the baseball will appear the size of a watermelon to Edwin and he will scatter its seeds all over the field. Other weeks, the baseball will appear the size of a watermelon seed. Sometimes, when Edwin is really lost and swinging before the pitcher has let go of the ball, he is sent down to Triple AAA and the ball becomes the size of a watermelon again. He returns to the majors and proceeds to hit watermelons for some time until the next drought. Realistically, Edwin should probably think about switching to seedless watermelons, thus avoiding any confusion.

Defense:

Edwin is an enigma. He will botch the most routine ground ball, then on the following play, he will display jungle cat reflexes to pick a scorcher down the left field line. He will gun down Juan Pierre by a half-step from his butt and airmail Joey Votto with the pitcher half-trotting to first. His favorite pastime is grimacing. Edwin has one of the lowest career fielding percentages (.935) among active NL third basemen, although the difference between a Gold Glove and being the worst defensive third basement in the league is about 3 muffs per 100 attempts. Tis a cruel game!

Overall:
Edwin is an enigma. Some Reds fans have grown tired of his inconsistency and are done waiting for Edwin to hit watermelons daily. Others value his youth--he is only eight months older than Joey Votto. Edwin has the potential to be in the top tier of third basemen in the National League, but he also has the potential to become a 34-year-old reserve second baseman for the Kansas City Royals, if that frachise is still around in eight years. Right now, Edwin is in the top half of third basemen in the NL. Really, he is. Check out The Best Hitters in the NL Central post below this.

STAT WATCH: It's now or never for Edwin. He's played the equivalent of three full seasons. He should be figuring this thing out by now. We need big things from Edwin this year. He needs to be a reliable right-handed bat in a lineup of lefties. He needs to hit .290/.350/.480.

Scouting Report: Jeff Keppinger

2009-01-14T12:39:00.010-07:00

Offense:

No matter how hard you try, you will probably not strikeout Jeff Keppinger, who led the National League with 19.1 ABs/SO. That is certainly tidy. Just ask Adam Dunn, sloppy bastard, who averaged 3.15 ABs/SO. There is no secret to what Jeff does. He simply puts the bat on the ball. He is a prototypical 2-hitter. He is so, so good at advancing runners and hitting the ball where it's pitched. He has the special talent of picking a spot in the infield and hitting the ball there. That is harder than it looks. He had a tremendous 2007 in part-time action (123 OPS+), but then took a major dunk in his pants in 2008 (70 OPS+).

Defense:

Ignoring Jeff's resemblance to Elmer Fudd in body type and height of hat, he surpassed expectations as a shortstop even though he is not fluid or graceful, doesn't have a strong arm, and is white. Simply put, Jeff is fundamental, which I believe is still considered a compliment.

Overall:

Wherever Jeff goes, a starting infielder has a horrific injury and Jeff steps in. Did you hear that Edwin?--You could be next. After Jeff stamped his major league ticket in 2007 with a team saving performance, he got a taste of his own, fracturing his patella 147 ABs into 2008. Up until then, he was batting .320/.365/.442, similar to his excellent 2007 line. In the 311 ABs after his return, however, he hit .238/.281/.299 - a brutal first-hand account of what happens when, God forbid, you fracture a patella. Jeff is fully rehealed from his injury, but then again, so is Alex Gonzalez, who apparently is real. In order to get some ABs this year, Jeff might have to learn how to play left field, or wait for Edwin to "fall" down the dugout steps.

STAT WATCH: If Keppinger is healthy and in the line-up, he will hit, I think. Most other Reds fans think so too, they think. Most would give Jeff the starting job to lose at shortstop, but unfortunately, Alex Gonzalez, who I hear does actually exist in our world, will be handed the job without question. This is sad for Jeff, but if Gonzalez has forgotten how to play the game, this is good for Jeff. Bat over .300 Jeff.

The Best Hitters in the NL Central

2009-01-13T21:00:00.008-07:00

One of the best ways to measure a hitter is adjusted OPS, or OPS+. If you already know what OPS+ is, I am sorry, bear with me. If not, you should pay attention. While standard OPS is simply on-base percentage plus slugging percentage (OBP + SLG), adjusted OPS is a complicated formula that takes into consideration ballpark factor (sorry Vinny Castilla) and league averages for OBP and SLG in that players league. The resulting number is the rate above the league average expressed as a percentage. All you really need to know is 100 always represents the league average. The higher above 100, the better. The farther under 100, the worse. For example, let's take Albert Pujols in 2008 when he finished with an astronomical 190 OPS+. Albert was damn near close to being twice as productive as the average major league hitter. The only player with a career OPS+ over 200 is Babe Ruth (207). Albert is tied for seventh in career OPS+ (170).

Here are the highest OPS+ seasons for the NL Central in 2007 and 2008 including everyone over 100 with at least a 400 AB season (sorry Jerry Hairston Jr.).

	2008			2007
1	A. Pujols	190	1	A. Pujols	157
2	L. Berkman	159	2	P. Fielder	156
3	R. Ludwick	150	3	R. Braun	153
4	C. Lee	144	4	A. Dunn	136
5	T. Glaus	131	T5	L. Berkman	131
6	A. Dunn	129	T5	D. Lee	131
T7	A. Ramirez	128	7	H. Pence	130
T7	P. Fielder	128	8	A. Ramirez	129
T7	R. Braun	128	T9	C. Hart	126
T7	R. Doumit	128	T9	C. Lee	126
11	N. McLouth	126	11	A. Soriano	123
12	J. Votto	124	12	K. Griffey Jr	119
13	A. LaRoche	123	T13	R. Weeks	108
14	A. Soriano	121	T13	A. LaRoche	108
15	G. Soto	120	15	X. Nady	107
16	R. Ankiel	119	T16	B. Phillips	105
17	M. DeRosa	118	T16	J. Wilson	105
18	J. Hardy	113	18	F. Sanchez	103
T19	M. Cameron	110	19	M. DeRosa	102
T19	D. Lee	110	20	E. Encarnac…	101
T21	E. Encarnac…	106	21	G. Jenkins	101
T21	K. Matsui	106	22	J. Hardy	100
23	H. Pence	105
24	S. Schumach..	102
25	K. Griffey Jr.	101

Some things that come to mind...

Albert Pujols is a destroyer of all things spherical.
Is Ryan Ludwick really that good?
Adam Dunn was one of the Top 5 most productive hitters in the NL Central.
Joey Votto had a very good rookie year and should only get better.
Brandon Phillips finished with a rather low OPS+ for his breakthrough year, lower than Rickie Weeks and tied with Jack Wilson, who resembles Nosferatu.
Well I'll be a monkey's ass, is that Edwin Encarnacion on there, twice? Are we treating poor Edwin unfairly?
He might have been aging and crippled, but Junior was still an above average producer at the plate in his waning Reds years.
Why is Derrek Lee's name auburn-colored? I hate formatting text.

And just for fun, the highest career OPS+ players active...
1. Barry Bonds (182)
2. Albert Pujols (170)
3. Frank Thomas (156)
4. Manny Ramirez (155)
5. Lance Berkman (148)
5. Jim Thome (148)
7. Vladimir Guerrero (147)
7. Alex Rodriguez (147)
9. Jason Giambi (146)
10. Chipper Jones (145)

Scouting Report: Johnny Cueto

2009-01-11T19:17:00.006-07:00

If a pitcher posts these numbers (174 IP, 9-14, 4.81 ERA), trade bait comes to mind. But when you're a 22-year-old rookie from the Dominican who averaged 8.18 SOs/9IP with a 96-mph fastball, you're probably safe for the time being. This is Johnny Cueto.

Johnny is one of a few Baby Reds, along with Edinson, Jay, Joey and Brandon, who will be unfairly asked to carry the load in 2009. He models his game after one Pedro Martinez, who is similar in body type, delivery, ethinicity, and who never backs down from a cockfight.

In 2007, Johnny went through the entire minor league gauntlet, earning his second consecutive Reds Minor League Pitcher of the Year award. Thanks to the failings of highly touted prospect Homer Bailey, who has yet to grow his set of testicles, Johnny nailed down a spot at the back end of the rotation with his major league debut performance on April 3, 2008, in a 7-inning, 1 ER, 10 SO performance against the Arizona Diamondbacks. Even though Johnny was brutalized in many following starts, the Reds stuck by him and were rewarded with some solid outings. He is still learning to be a pitcher and he relied too heavily on a fastball that was often placed waist high over the center of the plate. These baseballs often ended up in shrimp boat nets in the Gulf of Mexico, deposited from the Ohio into the Mississippi River.

As Johnny grows into a man and daydreams less and less in between innings about that one time he almost touched a girl's private parts behind the dance hall in San Pedro de Macoris, he will have the potential to become a 1 or 2 starter on a playoff team down the road. This of course will be on the team he is traded to after the Reds can't afford to offer him a major league contract.

STAT WATCH: Johnny will presumably be the fourth starter this year behind Volquez, Harang and Arroyo, which instantly makes him one of the best up-and-coming fourth starters in the bigs, if there is such a category. Steady improvement is what we want from Johnny. An ERA under 4.00 would be a major achievement for a 23-year-old. We also do not want Johnny to contract an STD or wear his arm down in the offseason participating in another sport, beisbol. We also do not want to discover that Johnny falsified his papers and is really 37.

R.I.P. Three-Headed Suck Monster

2009-01-11T11:57:00.011-07:00

The Three-Headed Suck Monster, individually known as catchers David Ross, Paul Bako and Javier Valentin, brought a unique brand of suckery to the Reds. Because all three players were terrified of losing their job to the others, they made a pact; when given the opportunity to play, they would individually suck as much as possible, thereby giving the others a chance to play in the future. This created what is known in baseball as a suck cycle.

2008 Comprehensive Stat Line for the Three-Headed Suck Monster
562 ABs, .231 BA, 13 HRs, 66 RBIs, 153 SOs

Referring to Paul Bako as a hitter devalues the word. As a career .231/.305/.371 bat holder in 11 seasons with 10 teams, Paul, the middle head, has certainly redefined suck. He averages a home run every 99 ABs. To put that in perspective, Bronson Arroyo averages a home run every 67 ABs. Carlos Zambrano hits in circles around Paul. Even if Paul found his bat in old age, we would not be able to say he found his fountain of youth, because even in his youth, Paul was just awful. Defensively, Paul's thrown out 31% of base stealers in his career, which is slightly above average--so he's got that going for him.

David Ross, the head farthest left if facing the monster, was on track to become the Reds permanent catcher after a 2006 season that saw him hit .255/.353/.579 with 21 HRs and 52 RBIs in 247 ABs. David ironically followed this Dunn-like performance with a Bako-like 2007 in which he bat held .203/.271/.399 in 311 ABs. This lousy season made it easier for Bako and Javier Valentin to convince David he would be safer taking part in the 2008 suck cycle. David was potentially the most valuable of the Three-Headed Suck Monster in that he doubled as Bronson Arroyo's "personal catcher," which is apparently what they are calling it these days. David packed Bronson's lunches and spooned him in the locker room and told him everything was going to be okay after those starts in which Braxton Arroyo pitched in Bronson's place. Defensively, David's thrown out 38% of base stealers in his career, which is above average--so he's got that going for him.

Javier Valentin, the only Latin head of the monster, was a fan-favorite in Cincinnati because of his dirty moustache, barrel chest and lovable grin. As a career .251/.310/.402 hitter, Javier was regarded as the Reds pinch hit extraordinaire, a big bat on the bench that could tie the game with one swing of the bat. When Javier entered the game in clutch situations the stadium would swell with energy as he made his way to the plate. In 63 pinch hit ABs in 2008, Javier batted .174 with 1 HR...........but that one home run was really awesome! Defensively, it was amazing that the Reds let Javier start 17 games behind the plate last year. It was also amazing that only one person attempted to steal on Javier in those 17 games. This is amazing because in 2007, Javier threw out 11% of base stealers (5 out of 45), making Javier the only Latin catcher in the history of baseball who is not good at defense.

STAT WATCH: David Ross was reborn with the Atlanta Braves. Paul Bako was reborn with the Chicago Cubs. Javier Valentin is still unsigned in purgatory. Let's track the collective numbers of the former Three-Headed Suck Monster in 2009 and see if it outperforms newly-acquired 2003 All-Star Ramon Hernandez. This might be a surprisingly close race.

Scouting Report: Chris Dickerson

2009-01-08T10:48:00.015-07:00

Offense
C-Dicks had an enchanted 2008. Called up during the dog days of summer with half of the Reds either injured or too demoralized to play, Dickerson put on his big-boy pants and came to work. In a cup of coffee (106 AB), he batted .304/.413/.618!!! Those numbers are almost as good as Albert Pujols' lifetime line. But let's not get too excited. In five minor league seasons, young Dickerson was a .260/.360/.415 hitter. This isn't too terrible when we consider the 100 point difference between his BA and OBP, which means Chris is patient at the plate and draws walks. This is hard to teach many young hitters but Chris seems to understand the strike zone, thus, he has the proper foundation to be a professional hitter. He will, however, have to cut down on the strikeouts (the main source of his low BA).

Defense
He's an agile, quick outfielder. Aren't they all?

Overall
Dickerson is an all-around athlete with 30 SB potential. It will take time for him to fully develop his game and it's doubtful he will finish next season with numbers remotely close to what he did in 2008, that is, if he even stays in the majors. He hasn't experienced a Major slump yet (inevitable) and when it happens, it will be very, very ugly. But let's hope the Reds give him at least half a year to prove himself. We'll see if Dickerson is a real power hitter. Something tells me not really, but then again, I've learned to be a pessimist as a Reds fan. He's 27 years old. It's time young Dickerson. Oh, and he seems to be a really good guy. Thanks to Matt F. for the link.

STAT WATCH: Rarely does a major leaguer drastically improve upon his minor league numbers. Because the Reds have yet to sign a legit starting left fielder, Chris might see a starting position there depending on how he performs this spring. Another scenario might pit Chris platooning in left with Jerry Hairston Jr., creating a unique individual player named Chrissy Dickston III. Dickerson has that magic nine-letter word: P-O-T-E-N-T-I-A-L. Then again, so does Homer Bailey. Chris, we have no idea what to expect from you. Just do good.

Scouting Report: Jerry Hairston Jr.

2009-01-07T13:27:00.007-07:00

Offense
Jerry Hairston Jr. has played ten platoon/utility-filled seasons. Jerry Hairston Jr. has had one really good platoon/utility-filled season. That was last year—enough for the Reds to resign him recently to a one-year contract worth $2 million. Hairston is a career .260/.330/.370 hitter, even more depressing when considering he might have been juiced: see Mitchell Report, page 78,789. Jerry Jr. had an unusual 2008. He was knocked unconscious during spring training. When he awoke months after the season, he was surprised to learn he had batted 261 times with great success (.326/.384/.487).

Defense
Jerry Jr. played six positions for the Reds last year (SS, LF, CF, RF, 2B and 3B, in order of starts by position). He served admirably at shortstop with Alex Gonzalez and Jeff Keppinger both sidelined by injuries.

Overall
Jerry has tenacity and he appears to be a bit of an angry fellow. This is probably because he has been competing for a starting Major League job for 11 seasons. Every game last year, when the FSN camerman zoomed in on Jerry's face, his expression resembled a lion who's prey had been overtaken by a herd of hyenas. But maybe it is this drive, this willingness, that will push Jerry towards an everyday role with the Reds in the future. It is also of note that Jerry reportedly converted to the Jehovah's Witness faith in 2000, but rest assured, he has vowed not to knock on Saturday mornings. Did I mention he was an angry fellow.

STAT WATCH: Depending on what the Reds do with their left field vacancy, and depending on the health of Gonzalez and Keppinger, and depending on the health of himself, Jerry might or might not play a lot this year. If he does play on a regular basis, we need Jerry 2008. If Jerry becomes our permanent left fielder (sweet jesus), he's gonna have to hit, hit, hit. If he becomes our permanent shortstop, he's gonna have to hit, field, hit, hit. Jerry, you're a sparkplug. We need you standing on a base 36% of the time. Eat the meat. Attack the hyena herd.

Our Next Left Fielder...

2009-01-06T13:35:00.007-07:00

Criteria for vacancy
1. Needs to be a free-agent
2. Needs to be a left fielder
3. Must possess a power bat
4. Must not be counted on to carry the franchise
5. Must be better than Rocco Baldelli

Hmmmm. This sounds like someone familiar.

Seriously folks, why did we trade Adam Dunn? The Reds now realize that it’s kind of hard to replace a 40 HR-100 RBI guy with a career .381 OBP. Sure, he’s a defensive liability. Sure, he hits for low average. Sure, his large, bumbly frame makes it look like he’s not trying very hard. But we unfairly counted on him to lead a below-average franchise and we never surrounded him with serious talent. If the Big Donkey’s numbers stayed the same and the Reds won 90 games annually, we would be on our knees for some Donkey Dick. Unfortunately, as the losing continued, Donk, our most visible player, shouldered most of the blame.

And now, here are the Reds, scrambling to find a left field power bat. The remaining options are--not including Manny--Rocco Baldelli, Garrett Anderson, Moises Alou, Luis Gonzalez, Jacque Jones, Jay Payton, Emil Brown and…Adam Dunn!!! Holy shit!!!

Would you take a second chance on him? I would.

Walt Jocketty would rather not get into it

2009-01-05T20:07:00.007-07:00

The Reds missed the boat on Pat Burrell today. The official propaganda machine for the Reds, reds.com, tried to spin this into a positive, but it does nothing to pass the smell detector test. Simply put, the Reds botched it.

Pat the Bat signed a two-year contract worth $16 million with the Tampa Bay Rays. Considering Pat is coming off a steady 33 HR year with a World Series ring, the price was considerably lower than any team expected, especially the Reds.

"I'd rather not get into it," said Reds GM Walt Jocketty.

The Anatomy of a Loser a.k.a. "getting into it"
1. The Rays do not resign Rocco Baldelli because he is mediocre.
2. Committed to winning, the Rays go out and find a better replacement--Burrell.
3. The Reds, with a huge hole in left field and the middle of the order, never show a serious commitment to Burrell, one of a few free agents who will properly fill that hole.
4. After their worst dreams are realized and Burrell is gobbled up cheap, they decide to go after the lesser player to save their ass--Rocco Baldelli. Let's watch the desperation unfold in the next few weeks.

It's nice to know our management is patching up the holes--Oooo, spin for desert.

Scouting Report: Little Norris Hopper

2009-01-05T18:59:00.007-07:00

Offense
Little Norris was sidelined most of 2008 and eventually bowed out for reconstructive elbow surgery. This was unfortunate for Little Norris, who made his mark in 2007 batting .329 in 307 AB. Almost 40% of his hits never reached that vast expanse of green that is the outfield (20 bunts and 17 infield hits), but as far as swinging and making terrible contact to the point where the ball ricochets off the extreme bottom or nub of the bat then squirts down the foul line and rolls to a stop in no man's land between home, third and the mound, Norris was an assassin. What we love about Little Norris is that he carries himself with a dignified aire that says, "I meant to do that." No one will ever know but Norry.

Defense
Because Little Norris is so tiny, three Norry steps is the equivalent of one Jay Bruce step. Even with this handicap, Little Norris zips around the outfield with relative ease, covering good ground. He is not an alley-stalker or wall-climber, but he will attempt to "go get it"--that is, when he is not collecting nuts and storing food for the winter.

Overall
Little Norris is a valuable bench player. He brings good speed, can fill in at all three outfield positions and has solid sacrificing ability. He is the only Reds player who can properly execute what is known as a bunt. When Norris performed this trick for the first time, all the Reds rose to the top of the dugout. "What the hell just happened," cried Edwin Encarnacion. "Will Norris be okay?"

STAT WATCH: We won't ask Little Norris for much in 2009, mostly because we shouldn't have to, but when June rolls around and Willy Taveras is batting .230, we might begin to see more of him, although that decision would be too easy, right Dusty?

R.I.P. Gary "Keep an Eye on the Kids" Majewski

2009-01-04T17:26:00.020-07:00

Gary in 20 years

Gary Majewski

(2006-2008)

Let's be honest,

Gary looked right at home

on the Ohio River,

or any river

for that matter.

During Bullpen Meltdown '06, the Reds traded beloved Austin Kearns and sex symbol Felipe Lopez to the Nationals for much needed relief (too good a pun?). It came in the form of Bill Bray and Gary Majewski, two poor young men who had know idea what kind of firestorm they were being thrown into. Bill battled through some arm trouble and finally settled nicely into the Reds 2008 bullpen. The same, however, can not be said for Gary, part-time coon hunter, who turned into possibly the worst pitcher in the history of baseball.

Health was always the question with Gary. After the Reds traded for him, there was controversy surrounding unreported cortisone shots he'd recieved for arm pain shortly before the trade. The Nationals, led by ex-Reds GM Jim Bowden, thought it better not to tell the Reds about this (the Reds filed a greivance claim in 2007). For the better part of the next two years Gary probably had no feeling in his arm, which would explain his 7.39 ERA as a Red. The only person who would want me to continue listing Gary's horrifying numbers is Matt Belisle.

STAT WATCH: Now that Gary is no longer a Red, he will be able to heal his arm correctly and win Comeback Player of the Year with the World Champion Philadelphia Phillies. Before his Reds stint, Gary was a solid healthy reliever with a career 3.28 ERA. Let's hope he never achieves this ever again.

The Best Pitching Seasons of the Past *15 Years (Starters)

2009-01-04T12:16:00.018-07:00

Jose Rijo takes the cake with this one. I cheated and stretched the list to 16 years to get him in. In 1993, Jose went nuts on National League batters, posting a 2.48 ERA and 227 SOs in 257 IP. But because Jose only went 14-9, he placed 5th in Cy Young voting behind four 20-game winners (in order, Greg Maddux-ATL, Bill Swift-SF, Tom Glavine-ATL and John Burkett-SF), even though Jose finished 2nd in ERA, 1st in SOs, 1st in SOs/9IP and 1st in games started. This is a dazzling example of the irrelevancy of a pitcher's Win-Loss record. Swift, Glavine and Burkett had excellent years, but they were surrounded by better players. Atlanta won 104. San Fran won 103. Cincinnati won 73. To the victor goes the spoils. Do I sound bitter?

Here are the next best individual seasons for a Reds starting pitcher since 1993...

	Player	Year	GS	IP	ERA	W-L	SO
2	E. Volquez	2008	33	196	3.21	17-6	206
3	B. Arroyo	2006	35	240.7	3.29	14-11	184
4	E.Dessens	2002	30	178	3.03	7-8	93
5	P. Harnisch	1998	32	209	3.14	14-7	157
6	J. Rijo	1994	26	172.3	3.08	9-6	171
7	P. Schourek	1995	29	190.3	3.22	18-7	160
8	A.Harang	2007	34	231.7	3.73	16-6	208
9	A.Harang	2006	36	234.3	3.76	16-11	216
10	P. Harnisch	1999	33	198.3	3.68	16-10	120

Some things to think about...
A.) Edinson's year made it a tad easier to let go of Josh Hamilton.
B.) Bronson can be really, really good, or so, so terrible.
C.) How do you post a 3.03 ERA in 30 games and go 7-8. Oh, I know--because you pitched during the Dark Ages in 2002 when our best offensive season came from Austin Kearns in limited action.
D.) Even in Aaron Harang's good years, he still flirted with a 4.00 ERA.
E.) The Reds have not had good pitching in a long time.